LaMa in Datingland, Take III

Suzy

2009-10-08T13:38:00.005+02:00

It is about time I update you readers about the developments with Suzy, my neighbour.

Short but sweet: we are a couple now.

It is a bit amazing. She and me have lived in the same almshouse complex for 3.5 years, with a view on each other's appartement actually, only now to "discover" each other (see the previous post). And since that e-mail by her some three weeks ago, things have gone very fast.

We made a very fine 15 km walk over the beach and through the dunes that Wednesday, went for a dinner in town; and now we are basically at either her or my place each spare moment.

I have discovered that she does have some "issues" and can be a bit moody (sometimes on short time scales), but nothing so far that I feel I can't handle. Taken all together, it feels very good, and although things move fast, it all feels very natural and relaxed.

Within a week, we'll have to miss each other for two weeks. I am visiting friends in Vancouver between the 14th and the 28th. It is the first time since 2002 that I'll be significantly travelling again, and I am looking forward to it. I am staying with friends who emigrated to Vancouver, and also plan a hobby contact on Vancouver Island.

New developments

2009-09-19T13:57:00.002+02:00

It is high time for an update again. First, about Anna. It turned out both she and me had the same feeling about there being no 'spark'. So we said goodbye and went our own ways.

Following that, I haven't been that active on the dating site for various reasons. But about a week ago a 31-year-old blonde woman did contact me and we have had some e-mail communications.

The main new development however occurred outside the dating-site context, and came a bit out of the blue.

The place where I live has a central secluded courtyard with a small communal garden. Weather has been rather good this summer (and still is mostly) and I spent a lot of time on the courtyard, mostly in the late afternoon and evening. This year, a few of the longer-time inhabitants of the complex (including me) have started to socialize a bit more in that context than in previous years. With two neighbours and a former neighbour, we actually have organized a few dinners together.

One of the neighbours part of the dinners and wine-chats on the courtyard in question (let us call her Suzy), previously was a bit keeping her distance, being a bit reserved and unaccessible. Lately, she however seemed to "defrost" towards me. Several of the courtyard evenings with some wine ended rather late, and the talks became more personal. Next, she started to sent me small e-mails with chit-chat almost each morning.

She is a psychologist, and as psychology is an interest of me, we had some converstaions about that. She also started to "analyze" the way my former neighbour Sas (with whom I still have good contacts, and who regularly joins our dinners) and me handle each other (Sas and me are continuously making a bit sarcastic jokes about each other). At a certain point, I had some suspicion that with that she at the same time was trying to get me comment on what kind of relationship Sas and me have (which is friendship, no more, at leats from my part). Together with the other two neighbours involved (all single women) we also touched upon the dating issue etc.

When, early last week, I mentioned the new contact on the dating site in an e-mail and half-seriously asked her "so what do you think about a woman who has tortoises as pets?" I was a bit surprised to get a rather emotional e-mail back from her. Basically, she told me she thought she had feelings for me and found that all very confusing.

We have decided to go for a drink somewhere in the coming days, and have a bit of a talk.

Another Date

2009-08-09T18:36:00.001+02:00

My profile seems to generate interest: I get quite a lot of replies, for a male.

Shortly after the date with the psychologist I started to communicate with a woman we shall call Anna. She is 38, a brunette, and a civil servant in a small town. She lives in the capitol.

Communications with her were nice, but I wasn't entirely sure. Sometimes I had some idea she was more trying to please me in her writing than being herself. In such a case, only a date reveals if it has potential or not.

This afternoon, I therefore had a date with her, in MyTown (on her request). It started off a bit at a tangent, when she called me from the train station more than 30 minutes before the time of our appointment, telling she already was there. So I had to hurry at the last minute (which I don't like).

After meeting her at the trainstation, we walked into town. At that moment it was still sunny and warm. We settled on an outside terrace along The River in the center of town (halfway our date it became somewhat more clouded and windy, and we moved inside the café).

The talk was mostly small talk: the usual stuff about work, education, how we came to chose our jobs, etcetera. A bit about family, but not very deep.

In general she was nice, but seemed a bit nervous. She constantly apologized for things, things that didn't need an apology (such as for keeping her sunglasses on out in the sun; or for wanting to order some small pub snacks). At a certain moment, this started to become a bit of a nuisance to me. I did my best to put her at ease, yet she kept apologizing.

One peculiar and somewhat unnerving thing was that we turned out to have a mutual acquaintance from days long past. When (in the e-mails before the date) she learned of my hobby, she wrote that she once had helped a friend out who organized camps for youth in that area of interest. I asked her: "Was that the [name of youth association on my hobby]?". It turned out to be indeed. I told her I had been very active in that very same association when I was young. Given that she orginates from the south of the country by birth, I next inquired: "was that friend of yours perhaps named Lucia?". This because in the old days, I knew a girl by that name from the south who indeed was very active with organizing camps etcetera.

And yes: she answered that friend of hers was indeed called Lucia, and the Christian name and place name where she was living at that time matched. Lucia, my acquaintance from days long past, turned out to be the highschool "best friend" of my date Anna!

As I wrote above, Anna was a nice women and apart from the minor quirck of apologizing too much, we spent a relaxed four hours together, first having some drinks in town and then doing a sightseeing walk through town. Yet I am quite certain this is not "her": I felt no spark whatsoever. So I'll keep it at this one date only with her.

Nice date, but no second follow-up date, alas...

2009-07-29T14:36:00.003+02:00

As I wrote in my previous short post, the date last Friday with the psychologist went fine. She was sitting outside when I arrived: a pretty, slim blonde, dressed smartly. As usual, I had a red rose with me (some traditions need to be honoured). We ordered drinks and started to chat. After the initial slightly awkward first minutes, the talk went smoothly. There wasn't any moment of awkward silence.

She was very charming: pretty, smart, entertaining. We talked about many things: jobs of course (usually the first thing to talk about, as a conversation starter), why we decided to try a dating site, some experiences with it so far, travels, and then on to tidbits of personal information.

In all, the date lasted some four hours. That is the kind of length for a date which suggests that you are not mutually boring to each other. So I had some hopes for a second date with her. I was certainly in for that: I really liked her and she seemed a very interesting, nice person.

Alas no. In answer to a mail I sent the next day, she answered:

"Hi Lama,

I have let it sink in a bit. I too enjoyed it, and want to thank you for your nice words. I do note however that I hesitate. I certainly think you are a nice, entertaining and galant man. I do however miss the kind of 'click' I would want to feel. (and maybe I am just not yet ready for this all, which is something I'll note in due time then I guess). Therefore, I want to leave it at this."

A pitty. I really enjoyed this date and liked her.

short report

2009-07-24T23:59:00.004+02:00

In short: date went very fine. Lovely woman: intelligent, funny, interesting, and beautiful. Spent almost 4 hours talking. I think a second date is not unlikely.

More later, I am tired.

D-Day Preparations

2009-07-24T16:17:00.004+02:00

I did some work at home this morning, and am now preparing for the date with the psychologist later tonight. The date will be in a nice establishment nearby in the old heart of MyTown. Time of appointment is 19:00.

Weather is a bit iffy. Sunny periods intermingle with rainshowers. So I guess we will go inside the place, instead of sitting on their outside terrace along The River (which is a very fine scenic spot when the weather is good).

Per the usual preparations I just ironed my shirt and pants, and got a red rose. Now hope all will go well this evening.

I also read her full profile again, memorizing things, and have gone over our e-mail conversations so far. The e-mail contacts between us over the past two weeks were pleasant. Very relaxed and plain.

As usual there is that slight nervousness, of a good kind. I note I am actually looking forward to it, which is good. Apparently, the time is right, for me.

What I do worry a bit about, is that she is a psychologist by profession. This because at one time I have been in the hands of therapists myself...I wonder whether (initially) to keep silent about that or not. I also hope she will not be constantly analysing me.

Well, we shall see. So far, I only have had good experiences with my dates, even those that got no follow-up: unlike other people I never had a bad date so far, and with a score of 3 relationships of some duration (Bunny, Alice and ATG) out of 5 dates in total over the past 4 years, I guess I ain't doing bad.

Now for that one girl that will stay....I hope this is her.

Date postponed a week

2009-07-15T13:59:00.002+02:00

Okay,

This morning I got a message by the psychologist, saying that she can't make it on Sunday and offering three alternative days. So we postponed to Friday the 24th.

I hope this isn't the first sign of someone chickening out.....

I have gotten a number of other reactions on the dating site now. As long as this with the psychologist is still running, I will not go into other contacts yet though.

These other reactions so far include a 35-year-old organisation advisor; a 41-year-old psychiatric nurse; a 34-year-old nurse of mentally handicapped people (she should get along with me ;-p ); a 39-year-old with unlisted profession; plus indications of interest from a 36-year-old secretary, a 37-year-old bureau clerk, 41-year-old regional manager and a 36-year-old pharmacy assistant.

This while not yet contacting any people myself.

A new date coming up

2009-07-14T13:18:00.005+02:00

So, 4.5 months after the break-up with ATG (isn't that too soon?) and one year after my last date (the one starting things with ATG), I decided to try internet dating again.

I signed up for another site then the one where I met ATG, Alice and Bunny. This time a site that uses a psychological (-ish) questionaire test to suggest potential matches. You don't get to see pictures on this site initially (only blurred ones), so the initial contact effort has to be solely inspired by the written profile and the matching test results.

The site is popular with people with higher education, and as it is connected to a popular glossy about psychology, it is perhaps no surpise that my first contact turned out to be a psychologist.

Now, I once said:

"I would never aim to get into a relationship with a psychologist or a lawyer.
The first one will analyse every little thing you do, say, or don't do or say; and the second one will pluck you clean once the divorce comes..."

To some extent I am still affraid for that, but I decided to give it a try. Several e-mails later, she seems nice and thoughtful, we exchanged pictures, and...we settled on a date. Which will be next Sunday afternoon.

She is blonde, 39, and let us call her the psychologist from now on...

It's Over

2009-03-17T17:08:00.002+01:00

This happened some 3 weeks ago, but only now I can get myself to shortly write about it. American Teacher Girl broke up with me.

We did not have fights or something like that, on the contrary. But she told me she feels that I am too accomodating to her, and this leaves her with the feeling that she was running our relationship.

It is true that she was the stronger personality in the relationship. And I have lately become quite "go with the flow" in many aspects. Regarding our relationship, I have always left her quite free in her decisions, as long as it didn't overstep my personal boundaries for things (which she never did). As a result, anything she proposed was quite okay with me so far. Apparently, I should have said "no" a bit more regularly.

Oh well....

Very late V-day report, plus photo

2009-02-26T18:45:00.006+01:00

Okay, I am horribly procrastinating concerning this blog lately. Too many other things at hand (at work a.o.), and too little news now the dating days are over. Yes, American Teacher Girl and me are still together. Half February we celebrated our 6-month-together anniversary plus Valentines day.

As Valentine's day is not such a part of our culture as it is in the Anglo-Saxon countries, ATG provided me a subtle "hint" a week earlier. Not wanting to disappoint her, I booked two tickets for a Valentine's special at a well-known stand-up comedy/improvisation theater club in the capitol, run by Americans (which means the show is in English). It also included a dinner.

It was a very good Valentine activity, the show was very funny, the dinner not bad, and ATG and me highly enjoyed it. We were sitting next two an Irish couple who had come over especially for the show, and explained some of the jokes that specifically targetted peculiarities of our country to them.

After the show we went for a drink. The next day, we were both quite fuzzy in the head....

I was contacted a number of times recently by parties interested in buying a license to use one of my photographs for a commercial purpose. One was a real estate developer, the other a TV station that wanted to use my landscape panorama's for their website. I have never intended to commercially gain by my photography, but this was a nice little "extra" as they were willing to pay €100,- (about $128,-) per photo. The money gained was invested in a nice new lens: a Canon EF 100/2.5 Macro USM.

Yesterday I used it to shoot the photo below, showing a detail of the crocusses popping up in our garden.

(click image to enlarge)

Long overdue Update

2008-12-20T13:29:00.001+01:00

My apologies for the long absence on this blog. The past months were rather dynamic. Here's a short update on the situation.

Things with American Teacher Girl are going very well !!!!

Last week we completed our fourth month, and all signs are there that it is going very well.

Late October I introduced her to my "Friday evening Friends". She was a bit nervous for that, but she turned out to fit in very well. On the 27th of November, I experienced my first Thanksgiving celebration, with her and about 25 other US and Canadian expats (plus the odd European partner). Quite an experience. Seldom experienced such an overload of food. Including a 14 kg turkey the size of an ostrich.... This was also an introduction to her larger social circle.

We spend quite some time together now: usually the full weekend, plus often 1 or 2 days mid-week.

Currently, I have to miss here for 2.5 weeks (she will be back on the 30th) as she is to the US to visit her family for Christmas. She goes twice a year, around Christmas and in the summer. Next summer, as all keeps going well, I'll probably go with her.

A visit to the Zoo, and a first critical test

2008-10-29T09:28:00.004+01:00

Last week ATG and me spent almost the whole week together. The schools have their week of autumn holidays here, so ATG had a week off, and I decided to take some days off too. The original idea was to go away for a few days, but that plan didn't materialize: instead, we spent most of the week hunting for furniture for the patio that is being built at her house. We did do a daytrip to the Zoo in Harbour Town though. Below are two pictures (the second one alas isn't entirely sharp...):

(click images to enlarge)

I think I also passed a first critical test: being approved by ATG's best friend. We went to have diner with her best friend and husband last Friday. The friend was a nice woman of South African origin, the husband has my nationality and was a typical business man, but a nice fellow. We had (too much) of some very nice wines.

Next Friday the test will be reversed: ATG will then join me in an evening with my Friday evening friends.

Mushroom and a windmill (photo post)

2008-10-12T08:21:00.005+02:00

I've been silent a bit on the blog lately. Several reasons for that: things between American Teacher Girl and me are going very well, I've been off on a short trip to York (England), and I've been ill.

The trip to York was very nice, it's a beautiful old medieval town. I met some colleagues there, and did a presentation on my research that was received well.

ATG and me have been forcibly not seeing each other for 1.5 weeks. This because the same day I returned from York, ATG went to give workshops in the US for a week. She will return this morning (and, as the Book says: "there will be much hugging and snugling"...)

Although I have been ill with some persistent cold virus or whatever (I coughed my lungs out last night again), I did take advantage of the good weather of yesterday to go on a photo shoot. It is mushroom season, and I shot this picture of a "lawyer's wig" (Coprinus comatus):

(click image to enlarge)

On my way I also shot this picture of a former saw mill, using a polarization filter and the Tamron 17-50/2.8 lens:

(click image to enlarge)

So far this short post.

ATG and C

2008-09-17T13:10:00.003+02:00

A whole series of "dates" with American Teacher Girl, which really are no longer true "dates" but going to a direction beyond that, is commencing. Most of them at her place (as it is conveniently close to both our work places. My workplace is almost on her route to her home, so she picks me up after work).

Last Friday was the first time she was at my home (we had a date at My Town earlier, but didn't visit my home), where I made a dinner for her. She seemed to like my little place.

It was a very fine evening, with one slightly awkward moment though. At my place, she noted the framed photograph of C., which is on one of the bookshelves above my dinner table. She asked whether that was C. (I had told her the story of C. and me and how C. died earlier) and next asked: "now is she going to stare at me that way all through the dinner?" and made some further remarks the gist of which was that it made her feel uncomfortable. Next she went out for a smoke. I was and am not so willing to remove C.'s portrait. I solved by turning the frame so the photograph faced towards the wall temporarily.

I had one short e-mail contact with Married Woman a week ago. She asked me how the dates with American Teacher Girl are going. I said that things really seemed to go well. She didn't answer.

More Dates with American Teacher Girl....

2008-09-03T14:08:00.001+02:00

Dates number 3 and 4 with ATG have been completed, and date 5 and 6 are in the making...it is evidently going very well... :-)

Last Thursday we met after work for a drink at a place easy to reach from her and mine work (for me, it was in walking distance). A bit of a "financial-men-in-Armani-suits" location (lots of bank and trading buildings, in fact the pub was in one of them), but so what. After some drinks, we decided to get a quick bite of Asian food nearby. Very nice.

Saturday we met again. This was the first time I got to see where she lives: a very nice home in one of the more quiet parts of the capitol. We went into the town center and had a good time with drinks, very good mediterranean food, and then went back to her house to watch a movie.

This same general scenario will be repeated coming Thursday and Saturday.

As things go well ahead now, I think the moment is close that I'll have to throttle down information about our dates a bit.... :-)

SPAM flood.....

2008-09-03T13:28:00.001+02:00

When I fired up the laptop and my e-mail client this morning, I got a message: 4098 e-mails to download....

Gulp...!!! 8-s

Turned out there is a flood of SPAM / Failure to deliver messages arriving through one of my e-mail aliases, the one connected to an association I am active in. At the time of writing this, the count is nearing 6000.....

Unfortunately I cannot disable this e-mail alias myself: our association's webmaster has to do this. I've been sending out HELP!!! messages to that extend to all his known e-mail addresses and hope he picks up one of those soon....

The second date with American Teacher Girl

2008-08-27T18:16:00.003+02:00

Last weekend was a very good weekend. I had my second date with American Teacher Girl, which was highly enjoyable. Plus, I have been honoured in a quite special way, of which I alas can say very little here on this blog, as it would identify me.

The date with American Teacher Girl was in My Town this time, and started at 14:45 when I collected her on the train station. We went to the Natural History Museum first, and spent some 3 hours there (until closing time). She had picked this museum herself for a visit.

From the museum we strolled back to the station, and (as she had a heel injury from sports and the strain of 3 hours strolling through a museum had become too much) took a bus for a short drive into town. There we settled on a riverside drinking terrace, chatting away relaxedly. This time, no fainting episodes.... It was very fine, sunny and warm weather with very little wind.

After about 1.5 hours on the terrace, we decided to go for dinner nearby. But first I showed her the 11th century Motte castle of My Town, and we climbed it's hill, walls and parapets for a view over the town. After a slight stroll through the medieval neighbourhood around it, we settled at a Thai restaurant. I had eaten there before and knew the food was good.

It is very uncanny how similar ATG and me are: like during our first date, we actually picked the same dishes from the menu....

The talk during dinner was a mix of serious topics, personal histories, and relaxed banter. She started to give me long direct looks (which I have learned to recognize as a sign a woman is into you). When we were eating our dessert, we started to feed each other little pieces of fruit and ice.

When the tab arrived, she insisted on sharing it (I had payed it in full during our first date). As we both only had large euro bills with us, we had the waitress change them into smaller bills. It was ATG who noted that they short-changed us by 10 euro in that act. Notifying the waitress, her reaction highly suggested she knew it, hence it was deliberate. The previous time I ate in this outfit, I had a similar incident: at that time, the tab contained items we never ordered. So I was getting the impression we were being conned. Which probably was the case, as my brother later told me he has heard several similar stories about this restaurant from other people.

The waitress who tried to con us in this way, shot her own foot with it: she would probably had gotten the 10 euro as a tip had she not tried to con us, but we now drastically lowered the tip.

It is a pitty, as the food in this restaurant is very good and not too expensive (well, we now know why....).

We left the restaurant at about half past ten, and because the evening was very gentle, we decided to go for yet more drinks on an outside drinking terrace. It was dark by now, and the bridge and buildings scenicly illuminated. Again, the banter was light-hearted and relaxed.

At half past eleven we called it quits, as she had to catch the 23:45 train home. We walked to the station, and had a few minutes left before the train arrived. She indicated she highly enjoyed this second date too, and was in for yet another date. I indicated the same. She made some jokes, told me she had turned down an invitation by a friend for this date, and teased me with "so you have to make something up to me". I said: "well, what did you have in mind?", upon which she answered, after a slight hesitation: "Well, I would be pleased if you don't chicken out on a goodnight-kiss....". So, taking this cue, I kissed her, and she kissed me, and I her again, it turned into a making out session, and then suddenly the train arrived already, to the regret of both of us....

Next dates will be at the end of this week: tomorrow, we'll go for a drink in the Capitol after work, and on Saturday we will go to some festivities in the Capitol together.

Up-Date soon....

2008-08-25T23:54:00.001+02:00

Apologies that I did not come to update the blog with the story of Saturday's date with American Teacher Girl. I've been largely away from home the past 3 days.

I promise to update soon though. Short teaser: it was great, and we kissed...

New date with ATG next weekend, plus a macro photo

2008-08-19T14:16:00.008+02:00

American Teacher Girl and me have settled on a new date for coming Saturday, in My Town. There's a museum she likes to visit, so we'll do that in the afternoon, and then go out in town.

MW came back from holidays yesterday and mailed me. I have mailed here about the date I had with ATG, but she did not react to that (apart from showing worry about the nauseousness incident).

I am still not feeling 100%: not really ill, bit a bit hazy in my head. I also developed a cold sore on my lip. In other words: I think the culprit is some virus.

I made the macro photograph below last Saturday. It shows a fly in our garden.

(click image to enlarge)

What to do when you pass out while on a date?!?

2008-08-16T13:00:00.003+02:00

Yesterday I had my first date with American Teacher Girl (ATG). And it turned into a very odd date, due to a very untimely and rather unnerving incident: halfway the date I suddenly and unexplainably got very sick and almost passed out on the spot...

The date started in the late afternoon at 16:30. The idea was to go for some drinks, and then see whether we would extend the date, depending on how well things would go. That is the best formula for a first date in my experience: don't plan a whole evening, but do leave options open to enjoy a whole evening if things go well. A late afternoon date consisting of a drink somewhere is perfect for that, as it does provide the option to extend the drinks with going for dinner somewhere.

She had chosen a bookstore on a well-known square in the capitol as our meeting spot. The weather was perfect: sunny blue sky and warm, but not too warm. Ideal for a drink outside. Instead of taking the tram, I decided to walk from the train station to our meeting point. We had no trouble recognizing each other, hence so far all went very smooth. Per tradition (I always do this on first dates), I had a red rose with me for her. Some romantic traditions just need to be honoured imho...

She was a bit more, uhm, chubby than had been apparent from her pictures, especially in her face. Not in a turn-off way by the way (there is nothing wrong with a chubby figure for women in my opinion. I prefer it to stark anorexic. And lately I am not the most slim person myself either, although until some 2-3 years ago I used to be). She looked nice, if definitely recognizably American. She had some of those typical American manners as well (compared to Europeans, Americans always seem so self-assured for example). Again, nothing wrong with that.

Unlike with Bunny (an exceptional date in many ways anyway), I did not have an immediate "click" feeling. That came a bit later in the evening when converstation became more animated.

We settled on an outside terrace for some drinks. As usual, the first hour or so is always a bit awkward, and merely politely and cautiously probing each other with conversation. Although my command of English is quite good, I also noted that the language aspect was adding to this (we spoke English throughout the date). She spoke most during that first hour, telling about her job and how she ended up in my country. I merely asked questions rather than doing much talking myself. Every now and then she would end her conversation with: "Okay, I have talked enough. Your turn now". We had a funny exchange about subtle differences in culture and customs between the USA and my country.

Somewhere around 19:00 the incident happened that is perhaps the most embarrasing thing that can happen on a first date. While talking, I suddenly started to feel nauseous and dizzy, and very warm. I was really starting to feel very bad all of a sudden, to the point where I felt I was about to collapse. She noted that something was going wrong and asked whether I was feeling alright. After the incident she related that she really saw me turn sick and losing "contact" all of a sudden in the midst of the talk.

I felt really horrible and truely had to struggle to stay conscious, bending forward resting with my head on the table for a moment, moaning something like "oh fuck I feel horrible urrrghh!". I was very afraid to really pass out (or start to throw up) on the spot, meanwhile thinking: "I need to lie down, I really need to lie down". On ATG's suggestion, I stood up and went inside to the toilets. I barely made it up there. While walking to it I notably had difficulty with my balance and felt like I could loose my consciousness any moment. At the toilets I sagged onto my knees and threw up repeatedly, feeling horribly dizzy and nauseous.

Now I hadn't barely had any alcohol at that time, I was only halfway my first (and only) glass off rosé after two softdrinks. So it was definitely not an alcohol induced problem. Rather, I feel the headache I had all day might be connected to it. I already had an headache for the whole day: I had woken up with it and even with Paracetamol it didn't go away.

A friendly British guest at the toilets showed some concern for my wellbeing and asked whether I was allright. I told him I didn't know what was happening, that I didn't have any real amount of alcohol yet (because he asked me that), and that I was really not feeling well and quite unnerved by this as I didn't know what was the matter with me. He asked whether I was with friends and if he could get someone up for me. I told him I was with a lady date, and next he asked rather seriously (apparently, this is a serious option in our capitol): "Are you sure she didn't slip something into your drink?". I guess he was thinking of some GHB date-rape slash robbery kind of scenario (ATG later found this suggestion rather amusing actually). After the violent vomitting ended, he helped me back on my feet. I poured some water over my face and started to slightly feel better, the nauseousness and dizzyness subsiding. When he noted I was feeling somewhat better, he wished me the best and went.

I hesitatingly went back to the outdoor terrace, to ATG. This kind of thing happening on a first date of course is an absolute nightmare scenario, so I was thinking: "allright, this is the end of the date, and this no doubt will have been the last I see of ATG". I really felt very uncomfortable and embarrased, and she probably did too. She had asked the waitress for the tab and paid, anticipating that I would want to end the date. We discussed a bit what happened, she told me she suddenly saw me turning white in the midst of conversation. I apologized profusely, feeling rather sheepish. As I was feeling somewhat better, we decided to stay for a while to see how I would recover. I ordered a mineral water, and in the minutes following started to quickly feel better apart from a diffuse ache in the back of my head, which stayed all evening.

After the initial uncomfortable moments upon my return from dizzy-land, it actually seemed the ice broke between us. The banter became lighter and funny (up to then it had been rather serious: work, family backgrounds, experiences in the US and my country etcetera). At 20:30, I had recovered from my collapse quite well, and we decided to go and have dinner somewhere. As I hardly know anything in the capitol, she chose the spot, a Mexican restaurant she frequents in a rather famous Gay area of the town close to where we had our drinks. When we walked into the street in question she said: "this is a rather famous street: do you note anything peculiar here?". At first I didn't get what she meant, but then I started to note the evidently Gay scene and got it.

As it was dusk already and starting to get slightly chilly, we chose to sit inside rather than outside. Unaware of each other's choice we ordered almost the same dish. She ordered a caipirinha for herself, I didn't want to risk any more after the earlier incident so kept it on mineral water.

During dinner the talk became very animated (helped by a couple of caipirinhas on her side perhaps). It now truely was more relaxed banter with a lot of humour in it, and we started to share weird experiences with the dating site. She asked me what had attracted me to her profile and whether she lived up to the picture I had before we really met this day. Her account of her first day in my country, 11 years ago, was very funny too. I was feeling much more comfortable now and the unfortunate incident started to drift away from my memory a bit.

We were among the last people to leave the restaurant, at 23:30. Much to my surprise given the weird definitely uncomfortable incident halfway the date, it had turned into a very enjoyable evening and she seemed to feel the same. Our date had lasted 7 hours, which is a good indication that it was a good enjoyable date. When we said goodbye before I hopped on the tram to the train station, we agreed on a follow up date, probably here in My Town.

A date in the making with American Teacher Girl (update)

2008-08-13T18:16:00.002+02:00

A date is in the making with American Teacher Girl. She agreed to go out for a drink in a mail yesterday evening: now we only have to settle the when and where.

As usual for a first date, I won't plan too much. The best option always is to go for a drink, and then decide to expand to a joint dinner if things "click".

To be continued!

Update: it will be Friday, in the capitol.

Monitor colour calibration, and Firefox 3 does colour management (photo-related post)

2008-08-09T14:27:00.007+02:00

Today a piece of hardware arrived that I really should have obtained earlier: a monitor colour calibration device. It consists of a calibration sensor you (temporarily) fit on the surface of your monitor, plus calibration software.

For those who do not realise it: computer monitors seldom display correct colours and contrast. When editing photographs on colour and contrast, you can therefore get odd surprises if you send the result in to a photo print central, or if you look at the picture from another computer.

When you look at the photographs I regularly post here, you probably see them with a somewhat different colour and contrast than I see them, due to this.

The calibration set I bought (a Colorvision Spyder2Express, which is about €80,-) creates a custom ICC profile for your monitor. Using this profile, software with a colour management capacity (such as Photoshop) makes sure that images are pictured with correct colours in that software. Hence, after I calibrated my monitor, pictures I edit on my laptop in Photoshop and send to print at a photo print central should return with correct colour and contrast.

The difference in colour of images I previously made, after I did the calibration this morning, is striking. Colours of these turn out much warmer. In fact, I think I have to re-edit some images on colour and contrast.

Still, now I have calibrated my monitor, this does not mean you will see my photographs with correct colours when visiting my blog. That depends on whether your monitor is properly calibrated: and whether your internet browser has colour management. IE7 hasn't for example.

Firefox 3 has, but it is turned off by default. So you first have to enable it.

To do so, first type "about:config" in the URL address bar. This brings you in the settings menu of Firefox.

Next, type "gfx" in the filter field. Among the options, you should see appear: "gfx.color_management.enabled". This setting by default is flagged as "false". You should set the flag to "true" (click on the flag to change it) instead.

Now close and then restart Firefox, and it will use colour management from now on. Which means that, if your monitor is properly calibrated, you should see my photographs with the colour and contrast I intended.

Of course, given the biologic differences between human eyes, this still does not really mean you see what I see. For example, I am partially colourblind (as many men are): some colours that others see as separate colours, appear the same to me.

Note added 10/08/08: if you Google on "monitor calibration" you will find several webpages with monitor calibration charts. These can be used for a visual calibration of your monitor. It is not as good as a hardware calibration such as I did, but better than nothing.

Meeting with Alice (plus a few macro photographs)

2008-08-07T19:44:00.004+02:00

Yesterday was a very warm sunny day. Alice, who is back in the country for a few days on a work related errand, and me had an appointment for the afternoon. She had asked me to bring my camera with me, as she wanted me to shoot some portrait pictures of her.

For that purpose we went to the botanical gardens, where I had been on Sunday with Jamy too. It was amazing how different it looked in bright sunlight. It was very pleasant to roam there, and we in total spent some 2.5 hours there! Although I am not quite a portrait photographer, I managed to shoot some nice pictures of Alice. I also made a couple of macro images (see below).

After the botanic garden, it was close to dinner time, so we decided to dine together in town. We settled on an outside terrace of a Greek restaurant, bordering the water, and had a good meal. We talked a lot, about her and my experiences in the 9 months since she left to go back to her Carribean island.

I told her about my idea to visit her in January or February. She warned me that would be the Carnival season, something I had not realised. So it probably will become April.

At the end of a very nice afternoon and evening I walked her back to the trainstation. It was good to see her again. She looked very good and happy. A pitty to see her go again.

* * *

As I mentioned, I shot some macro images in the botanic garden. Here are two of them.

The first one shows a silk bee (Colletes sp.) on common Tansy. There were a number of these very small, swift bees on that plant. Note the pollen on the hind legs.

(click image to enlarge)

The second image I shot in the "Carnivorous Plant canopy" in one of the greenhouses. It shows an unfortunate fly fallen victim to a Sundew plant.

(click image to enlarge)

Jamy's visit, and American Teacher Girl (ATG)

2008-08-04T20:22:00.001+02:00

Yesterday was the day Jamy visited me here at My Town. I waited for her at noon at the trainstation,and we had no trouble spotting each other. It was odd, seeing each other for the first time. She looked younger than I had expected, and actually she is quite pretty. She had that typical self-assurance over her of an American.

Unfortunately, the weather did not cooperate. It had been sunny until an hour before she arrived: as she arrived, a drizzling rain started. Not ideal for the planned sightseeing trip through town.

We went for lunch first. I took her to the restaurant situated at the foot of the 11th century Motte castle of My Town. We were the only ones who decided to sit outside (there were large parasols sheltering us from the drizzling rain). Maybe because of this they seemed to forget us: service was extremely slow.

Following the lunch we did make a walk along some of the prettier spots of the town, which all looked a bit bleak due to the weather unfortunately. We visited the Botanic Garden, where unfortunately not much was flowering. We ended with a cup of coffee at my place, discussing the difference of the US versus Europe. Next, we walked back to the trainstation and we said goodbye.

It was funny to meet a fellow blogger this way. A bit weird at the same time too. You know each other, and you don't, if you get what I mean.

Now over to another American: American Teacher Girl (ATG). We have had some additional e-mail contact, and so far I still have a good feeling about it. She seems smart, with a broad interest. We'll see what direction it will take.

A most odd message, an interesting new contact, and more....

2008-08-01T20:05:00.006+02:00

Time for some dating news, after the recent photo spree.

I got a message today from a 33-year-old woman, which definitely tops the category "odd messages" so far. It read (lacking the most basic punctuation in the original too):

"I have a question I buried my parakeet 10 years ago in my parents house how can I get back the bones and find them because of urn greetings Mel"

Ooooooowwwwkayyyyyy.........delete....

In addition to this odd lady, there is another lady who has send me, over the past 1.5 months, a one or two sentence mail thrice. These very short mails, at 3-4 week intervals, do seem to express an interest, but when I return with some small talk and questions, she never answers. Odd. She looks attractive on her picture, but communication evidently is not her thing. Therefore: exit....

My subscription to the dating site almost expires, and I am not sure whether I will continue it. So far the past three months have brought me little of interest. Admittedly, that is partly my own fault, as I took a "wait and see" approach this time, instead of a pro-active approach like 3 years ago.

Contact with Sybil seems to be lost again. I think I'll give her up too. It doesn't seem to go anywhere, after an initially good start. Pitty.

On the positive side: a new contact emerged yesterday and today. She is 40, a teacher, American by birth, blonde, and has lived in my country for 11 years. Let us call her American Teacher Girl. She lives in the capitol. She had a nice, plain profile, and looks very sweet on her pictures. We are exchanging e-mails currently, so let's see where it goes.

At my workplace, one of my room-mates thinks a student temporarily working on her thesis material in our room might have a crush on me. I am affraid she (my roommate who came up with this suspicion) might be right. The student in question (who is 31) e-mails me a lot, on days she works in our room but I am not there, or on days she ought to work in our room but for some reason stayed at home. Uhm, delicate situation...

I have been taking some days off from work. I feel a bit tired lately, so am taking some rest. The very warm weather also is not quite stimulating. So I took the Monday and Friday off (reducing my work week to Tuesday and Thursday and creating a long weekend) and I think I'll do this the coming two weeks too.

Two interesting visits are coming up. First, Alice is in my country again, for a work-related errand, and we have an appointment to meet in My Town at Wednesday afternoon. I am looking forward to seeing her again.

Another exciting visit will be coming Sunday, when Jamy will stop by in My Town on her way back to Paris, where she is spending a 6 month sabbatical. Jamy is a blogger normally based in Washington DC, and she and me are reading and commenting on each other's blogs for some time now. I will (provided the weather cooperates) give her a tour of the scenic spots of My Town. I am curious how she will be in "real life", if she will come up to the image I formed of her through her blog and a few private communications. So, Sunday certainly will be an interesting day!

Last Wednesday I made another long walk, this time together with my neighbour S. She walked by my open window when leaving for a walk, we made a chat, and then we spontaneously decided to do a walk together. She and I get along quite well, lately we regularly spent the warm evenings outside on the courtyard, talking and sipping wine. She is not my type from a romantic angle though. But she is nice.

We made a long walk to a very large park/recreational area close to where I have lived for 28 years. There we settled for a drink, and then walked back. Crossing the area, which has lots of fields divided by tree and bush lawns, surrounding a large artificial lake, we encountered a grassland which teemed with dragonflies. I had my camera with me, but they were very active, on patrolling flights over the meadow, and hence difficult to get on a photograph. I managed to get a shot of one when it shortly settled itself on a path, from some distance and hence not a particularly clear picture, but enough to identify the species (Orthetrum cancellatum, the Black-tailed Skimmer).

(click image to enlarge)

Nearby, we also encountered a bunch of damselflies, and I made some nice images of a Green Emerald Damselfly (Lestes virides) the best of which are these two:

(click images to enlarge)

A photo-walk through the coastal Dunes (long photopost)

2008-07-30T13:51:00.010+02:00

Last Sunday afternoon, a very warm and sunny day, I went for a long 5 hour walk in the coastal dunes between Posh Village and Fishermen's Village. I took my camera with me, and shot a large number of macro, panoramic landscape and 3D pictures.

I know the area in question very well. In my youth we spent many summer days there, searching for wild bramberries. We would go off the tracks and collects buckets full of them, which my mother would spent hours cooking into juice and marmelade. In those days, the off-track parts were more accessible than they are now. Much more is fenced off now.

A few years ago they have started to redevelop the area. They stopped the water winning activities, which were enriching the top soil with phosphates, stripped the top soil over a considerable area, and hence recreated the original phosphate-poor dune environment, including the natural development of active dunes, blow-outs and wet dune valleys. So it has changed considerably from the dune area that I used to know.

The area teems with insects, amphibians and wildlife, including some species that are rare elsewhere in the country. So ideal for a photo walk, even though some critters are simply too fast to capture in an image. I encountered a lizard for example, but it was too quick and disappeared into the vegetation.

The bramberries, memory of my youth, were ripening well, getting that frosty blue-purple look:

(click image to enlarge)

Most of the dune area here is quite open (north and south of the area is more wooded) with dry dune tops and wet valleys. A characteristic element of the area are the bunkers and the anti-tank wall from WW II. Here's an approximately 180 degrees panoramic view of the latter, made from 5 photographs stitched together:

(click image to enlarge)

I experimented with 3D red-cyan anaglyph photography again too, and shot this very cool anaglyph image of a wet dune valley (use red-cyan 3D glasses to see stunning depth in this image):

(click image to enlarge)

I encountered many insects, most of which refused to pose properly. Particularly present were butterflies, and damselflies. At two locations close to small dune lakes, I spent some time settling myself, until the insects regarded me as part of the landscape and came closer.

These are some of the best images I managed to shoot. First, a colourful European Peacock butterfly (Inachis io):

(click image to enlarge)

Next, a Winter damselfly (Sympecma fusca). This is a not too common species, well present in the dunes however:

(click image to enlarge)

On a dry dune top I also encountered this well-camouflaged critter, a Bluewing grashopper (Oedipoda caerulens). This is a truely rare species that needs dry sandy environments, the dunes are one of few spots where it is present in my country:

(click image to enlarge)

I also encountered this parasitic wasp which so far I have not determined on the genus level:

(click image to enlarge)

Blue Tailed damselflies (Ischnura elegans) were very abundant near the ponds and lakes. Here is one of them:

(click image to enlarge)

To end, another butterfly. A female Meadow Brown (Maniola jurtina), of which many fluttered about. Difficult to catch as they do not seat themselves for long times but are constantly on the move:

(click image to enlarge)

I am still in the act of processing the images of that day, so probably another follow-up post will follow later this week.

Butterfly (photo post)

2008-07-26T20:31:00.002+02:00

Shot this image in our garden early this afternoon. Again a red Admiral butterfly (Vanessa atalanta): this time a worn down one (damaged wings). Feeding on the Bodleia in the image. Taken with the Canon EOS 450D and EF 50/2.5 Macro again.

(click image to enlarge)

A 3-dimensional photograph (photo post) - updated

2008-07-26T17:09:00.005+02:00

I am experimenting a bit with yet another form of photography: 3 dimensional photography.

How it works: you take two photographs of the same scene. Inbetween, you move the camera a few decimeter , keeping the same viewing direction. This is needed to create the parallax. Next you morph both images into a red-cyan anaglyph image using a nifty freeware program called Stereophoto maker.

To see the 3D effect in the result, you need a pair of red-cyan glasses: the left glass needs to be red, the right cyan. You can make these yourself with coloured cellophane, or buy them for very modest prices on the internet (I payed a few euro only for a set of 4 on eBay).

Below are three of my first results: a test on one of my sculptures, and a town scene.

(click images to enlarge)

13 generations

2008-07-24T10:08:00.002+02:00

Yesterday, my regular day off, was a busy phone day. Two interesting things happened.

One was that the national radio broadcasting corporation called me again. I had taken a hobby-related photograph last weekend which was featured on a well known US website last Tuesday. To my surprise, this was picked up by my countries national press agency and led to a news item in several newspapers. As a result, the national radio broadcasting corporation contacted me and one of their reporters conducted a "portray" interview with me last evening, which should be broadcast this very morning (I have the radio on currently but haven't heard the item appear yet). This is the third time this year I am on national radio/tv, all cases related to my hobby activities, so I seem to become some kind of resident "space expert" for them. The reporter said: "You are in our system now. So prepare for more contacts with us in the future".

The other one was that I was contacted by a distant family member. He was doing genealogical research into our family tree (his wife is from our family). He was checking some dates and names relating to my part of the family. After a chat and some fact checking, he sent me his results so far by e-mail.

In fact his research is almost complete and he has traced our ancestry back over 13 generations, to AD 1565, to a Jacob Janz [plus version of our family name in obsolete spelling]. Interesting is that from the ancestor born in 1565 up to my grandfather, our branch of the family tree always have been fishermen. They have lived in three fishermen communities along our coast. One branch went into herring fishery, the branch of my direct ancestors went into cod fishery in the late 18th century. My grandfather was the last fisherman (my father and a cousin have been sailor though, so the maritime tradition extends slightly further).

I have learned a few pertinent dates and facts relating to things I globally already knew this way. I already knew my great-grandfather drowned on sea after being tossed overboard. My grandfather was on board of the same ship at that time and saw it happen. I now know this was on the Atlantic between Norway and Iceland, in February 1928. The story I always heard had my grandfather at an age of about 10 at that time (in that time, it was not unusual for a boy that age to go on his first fishing trip): I now know he was 19 in reality. Still a young age to see your father drown.

Yellow with dots (photo post)

2008-07-23T23:24:00.004+02:00

This morning I spotted this tiny little fellow (4 mm large) in the garden. It is a 22-spotted ladybird (Psyllobora vigintiduopunctata). In my language it is called a lemon ladybird.

Photo taken with the Canon EOS 450D and EF 50/2.5 Macro lens.

(click image to enlarge)

Hot and Sweaty Adventure

2008-07-19T17:54:00.001+02:00

After all these recent photo posts, an update from the dating/women front is in order.

First, Sybil. Some two weeks ago I suddenly lost contact with her. While this does happen more often with dating-site contacts, it did surprise and sadden me a bit in this particular case. Thinking I had made a mistake somewhere, I already started to ponder the "why", trying to see where things potentially could have turned her off.

Yesterday she returned with a long mail however, and it turned out that the two-week radio silence was due to a crashed computer.

Next: MW. I spent time with her twice the past two weekends. Two Sundays ago, we went to the annual culinairy festival together here in My Town. I shortly introduced here to my brother, who was present at the festival. We spent a nice 2.5 hours there, and then I had to get back home as I had an appointment with John. At home, MW and me got a bit warm again, but I was literally 'saved by the bell' when John arrived before anything real could happen.

Last Sunday (the 13th) I spent a large part of the day with her. The previous day, she had called me and invited me to go to a luxury sauna/thermen with her. This is currently very fashionable in my country. She does that more often, as a treat to herself. I myself had never been to a sauna before, so it was completely new to me and I had to overthink her invitation first (for those of you not familiar to sauna/thermen or having a different culture regarding them than in my country: you basically run about in your birth suit there, men and women mixed). After some contemplation (and with a "heck, you have to experience all things once") I took up her invitation, also because friends had repeatedly told me that a sauna/thermen session is really very relaxing once you have overcome your initial embarrasement. Which it indeed is.

Discussing it Saturday evening over dinner with my Friday-evening friends, they teased me with questions like "what will you do if you get an erection?!". I decided that when time would come, I would solve and deal with that problem if it occurred, and not worry about it before. In the end, it all went without any problems.

The thermen she took me to was a luxury one close to Harbour Town. It is a large complex with several types of sauna (several temperatures, plus special additions like a movie sauna, a music sauna, etcetera), a lot of different types of indoor and outdoor baths (yakuzi's, baths at different temperatures, and various herb baths), and for an extra fee you can get massages, skin treatments, you name it. Basically, everything that is nowadays combined under the label "Wellness treatment". A restaurant including an outside patio that serves good food and drinks was present too. We had good weather, so we did spent a lot of time in the outdoor part of the complex, having lunch there (dressed in a bath robe) amongst others. I did even get some sunburn.

I had less problems with the "running about in birth suit" part than I had anticipated. It was an interesting experience. In one day I have seen more female bodies, in various shapely and less-shapely forms, than I had seen in my entire life. I didn't like the true sauna too much: the temperature itself was not so much a problem (since you lay still you can cope with it quite well. Sweat runs off your body in small rivulets, and that's all) but I got some problems with my breathing. I did like the (outdoor) Yakuzi however, that was surprisingly relaxing. All in all, we spent some six hours there, including a lunch and some drinks, and it was very relaxing, even though tiring too.

After the sauna we went to my home and I made a dinner for us. As the weather was good that day, we ate outside and then spent some time with a glass of rosé wine untill the sun had set and we went inside. This time there was no visitor to get me 'saved by the bell' again.

I am still not entirely comfortable with the current situation. Currently it seems to develop into some kind of "friends-with-benefits" situation, a so far unknown territory for me, and I am not sure whether that is entirely okay with me.

Vagrant Darter (photo post)

2008-07-14T23:44:00.003+02:00

This Dragonfly set itself on the Bodleia in our courtyard late this afternoon. It's a Vagrant Darter (Sympetrum vulgatum). Strong wind made photography a bit difficult as it made the Bodleia branched move wildly. These are the best three images I selected out of 140 shot.

(click images to enlarge)

Butterfly (photo post)

2008-07-12T16:54:00.005+02:00

2008 is a very bad year for the butterflies so far, both in my stomach as well as concerning real butterflies.

Today I spotted the first butterfly visitor to our courtyard garden. It was an Red Admiral butterfly (Vanessa atalanta), a very common species of trekking butterfly here which was featured earlier on this blog (previous summer).

The winged visitor was so nice to settle down and pose for me on the white walls of the courtyard. Below images are with the new Canon EOS 450D + EF 50/2.5 macro lens. Note the striking difference in colouration between the upper and lower sides of the wings.

(click images to enlarge)

Starry Sky (photo post)

2008-07-02T23:23:00.006+02:00

Below image shows that the EF 50/2.5 Macro lens which I bought in addition to my new Canon EOS 450D camera, is a superb lens for astrophotography as well.

Shown is the area around the star Deneb in Cygnus, the Swan. Deneb is the bright star somewhat above the image center. Just to the left of the image center, you can see a faint nebulous shape. This is the North America nebula, named that way because of it's shape.

The image is the result of "stacking" (digital summing) 98 images of 10 second exposure each. This mimics a 16m20s exposure. The camera was following the movement of the stars due to sky rotation during these exposures, by being mounted 'piggyback' on my telescope. What is shown here is a crop from the larger original, reduced in size and hence resolution.

(click image to enlarge)

Something cute in the basement, on TV again, and dating progress...

2008-06-28T18:00:00.002+02:00

No: unlike the first part of the title might suggest, I am not Austrian... :-p

Last week was a hectic week with surprises. I have been on TV again: in the 11 pm national TV news, in the Children's TV News on national TV earlier that day, and on regional television. I gave a few radio interviews as well.

The reason was that I was called in to investigate a weird object found on one of our islands. As it is the time of the year again that the media jump on Loch Ness sightings, UFO's and other spectacular mysterious stuff, it generated quite some media attention. When I arrived at the location, to my surprise I found two camera crews waiting for me, while a third plus two radio crews arrived shortly afterwards. The case in question was very weird, and far from solved yet. We do not yet know what the object is, although we are quite sure what it is not...

I took the object with me to our university, and then asked around for opinions, and someone to analyse it. In this way, I ended up in our laboratories downstairs (where normally I have little business) where another surprise awaited me: a very cute, petite blonde French post-doc girl, who is now analysing the object for me. Obviously, I should have visited the laboratories earlier....

I wonder if she is single...

News from the dating-site front too. Last week, an e-mail converstation has developed between me and a woman from the dating site. She contacted me on Sunday, and initially it was a bit Bunny-like: unpromising, no picture with her profile, and little information in it. Her message was nice though and triggered my interest, so I answered. Next she sent me a picture through e-mail, showing a fine if slightly unearthly looking young woman. Let's call her 'Sybil' (not her real name)

Sybil lives in Royal Town, is 29 years old, and a widow. Her husband committed suicide. Given my history with C., that of course was a bit remarkable. From the communications so far, we seem to have quite a lot in common regarding life experiences, opinions, and interests. She works part-time as a secretary, and is a part-time law student in My Town.

This is the first contact in this renewed dating round which I regard as interesting. She evidently is not in a hurry to go on a date, rather she want's to communicate a bit first. Which is okay with me. I'll keep you posted on the developments.

Dotty bug.... (photo post)

2008-06-24T15:09:00.004+02:00

Another photograph I shot yesterday afternoon in the courtyard garden (see also previous post), with the Canon EOS 450D and EF 50/2.5 Macro lens.

It is a seven-spotted ladybird (Coccinella septempunctata), one of our native ladybird species and one who seems a bit better able to withstand the invasion of the Asiatic Multicoloured Ladybird.

Compared to my earlier ladybird photographs, it is clear that this new camera and macro lens have pushed me into a whole new dimension of detail...

(click image to enlarge)

Purple, black and yellow (photo post)

2008-06-23T21:47:00.003+02:00

Coming back from my work late this afternoon, it was sunny and a lot of insects had gathered on the lavender in the courtyard garden. So I took the new camera again and started shooting.

The star model of my flying friends was this buff-tailed bumblebee or large earth bumblebee (Bombus terrestris) with incredibly huge filled pollen stash on its legs. It was rather lethargic, which was nice, as this meant I had ample time to shoot it from various angles.

I shot almost 200 images and dropped all but this one. I seem to have found decent camera settings now by the way.

(click image to enlarge)

Midsummer Night festival, and first results with the new macro lens (photo post)

2008-06-22T17:47:00.007+02:00

Yesterday night the Botanical Garden of My Town, which is quite large and one of the oldest of Europe, organized a Midsummer Night festival on their premises. My neighbour invited me to join her and a friend, and so I did. The garden is at only a 5 minute walk from my home.

A whole range of things were scheduled between 20:00 and 01:00: twice an open air performance under the trees by a local choir (the second with flaming torchlight); a continuous Alpine wine sampling stand; a band playing Cuban dance music; a twilight tour for bats with a bat-detector; an open air play; and of course a bar with drinks, a grill and ice-cream.

Unfortunately, our national soccer team played an important European Championship match that evening. So the organisers added in a large screen in the Orangerie, and many people actually spent the first part of that festival watching the match. The Cuban band and dancing event was postponed until after the match.

At the event I bumped into P. and her boyfriend.

I am not so much a soccer fan, so I took the bat tour (I like bats) during the second part of the match. With my neighbour and her friend I also spent some time at the very cozy evening performance, under the trees with flaming torches, of the choir. I shot this image of it (below) with my Canon Ixus 75 compact. As I had no tripod with me, I used a sculpture as a rest for the camera.

(click image to enlarge)

The loving couple in front made me feel a bit jealous. So did the guy who danced very good with a very good looking slim blonde later that evening. And yes, I did dance during the band performance in the Orangerie later that evening too (my neighbour and her female friend didn't), as the band played salsa and merengue and I have done a starter's course in salsa dance last year (my salsa teacher actually was P.).

The friend of my neighbour got hit upon by a guy during the band performance. Such things never happen to me, alas (being hit upon by a woman of course).

We stayed till 1 am. I highly enjoyed the evening, it was very relaxing.

* * *

Saturday morning the Canon EF 50/2.5 Macro lens for my new EOS 450D arrived, and of course I tested it immediately. Below are some results. As it was a bit dark overcast weather, I used the 400 ISO setting which results in a bit of noise grain.

(click images to enlarge)

The lens (at a cost of 240 euro) is marvelous, as was already told to me by friends. Aside from being a great macro lens, it is also a useful portrait lens. Using my neighbour as an impromptu model, I tested it for that too and the result shows every freckle and wrinkle with confronting detail.

I still have to experiment a bit with the camera settings. The camera actually does some image processing (when shooting in JPEG mode instead of RAW) in-camera, and I still have to experiment with what are the best settings for digital sharpening and colour balance. The 'default' setting results in images that are too soft to my liking, so for the moment I set the sharpening factor a bit higher.

Lavender, insects and a new camera (photo post)

2008-06-18T19:00:00.005+02:00

Early this afternoon, when I was just back from a visit to my dentist (preparation for a new crown on my lower left M2), my new toy arrived.

So far, as many of the regular readers know, I photographed with a compact camera, a Canon Ixus 75 and previously an Ixus 400. I have been longing for a long time though for a digital mirror reflex camera. In the old days of analogue photography, I photographed for years with a Canon T-70 mirror reflex.

So after last month both a tax return as well as the annual holiday bonus arrived, I decided to invest them in a good DSLR. I choose a Canon of course: the Canon EOS 450D (Digital Rebel XSi in the US). After some searching, I found a very nice offer of the Canon 450D with an EF-S 18-55 IS lens for a very good price (637 Euro). So I ordered it, and today it arrived, along with some extra's like a LowePro camera bag, wire release and an additional 2 Mb SD card.

The EF-S 18-55 IS (Image Stabilized) lens is not the best lens, but given that the kit offered was only modestly more in price than a body alone, it was a very good budget buy. It leaves me an opportunity to invest in a EF 50/2.5 Macro lens as well, which is a very good lens. They were not in stock however, so that lens will arrive next week.

I also ordered an adapter to attach the camera to my telescope.

Meanwhile, I won't retire the Canon Digital Ixus 75 compact. Currently I take that small neat thing with me everywhere, it is in the pocket of my jacket whenever I leave home. You just don't do that so easily with a bulky DSLR.

This afternoon, after some test images with the D450 (using my neighbour's cat as a test subject), I noted some insect activity on the flowering Lavender in the courtyard garden. So I got my Ixus as well and shot below two images of a honeybee with pollen in the collector on her hind leg, and a ladybeetle (this time not the dreadful Asian variaty, but one of our native ones):

(click images to enlarge)

A saddening dream, and an update on the dating

2008-06-09T23:30:00.001+02:00

This morning I had a dream that dominated my mood for quite a time after waking up from it. I dreamt of C., a very graphic dream that is difficult to describe in plain words. Nevertheless I will try.

There was a small gathering of people in the dream, including C. and me. Several people were flocking around her and trying to get her attention. The dream was hyper-detailed, she was there in much more detail than I can usually remember her. I could not just see her: it was one of those dreams where I could actually feel her, sense her.

She was sweet, as she used to be in life, but also seemed to know that she was about to end her life. Some of the other people tried to settle dates with her. She answered to one of them, in a sweet but matter of fact voice: "Oh, but by that time I will already no longer exist". In my dream I felt bewilderment. I stepped up to her and hesitatingly put my arm around her waist, as support. She put her arms around my neck in a very warm embrace, and kissed me, a very warm, long, passionate kiss, rather uncharacteristic of how she was in real life. I felt it was a goodbye. My bewilderment started to turn into a very strong, very deep desperation, and an ultimate feeling of sadness.

At that moment I woke up. The strong sense of desperation and sadness stayed, and with it came a very strong sense of loneliness. I grabbed my pillow and held it tight, fighting tears. But the despair stayed, in a rather haunting way. I only lost it after I had entered my office at work.

* * *

A short update on the dating site progress. In fact there is not much progress. No date has materialized yet. I had a few inquiries by prospective women, but none that really made me think it was worthwhile to pursue. Had short communications with three women, one of which was rather insistent on trying to get my attention.

I experimented a bit with different main profile photographs. One of me in suit attracted a lot of women checking out my profile. I found it a bit too formal myself (if only because I only wear suits on formal occasions), so I made a new photograph of me looking up and slightly away from the camera in a (neat) more casual light-coloured Ralph Lauren shirt and khaki summer pants, with my telescope as a backdrop. The result was very nice and indeed this picture attracts a lot of profile views too.

I again got replies that indicate that my profile text apparently is unusual and funny compared to most profile texts.

I still don't have the spirit to actively write women on the site myself, although I forced myself to try 3 or 4. I am taking more of a waiting approach.

Royal Town (photo post)

2008-06-08T17:54:00.004+02:00

Yesterday afternoon I went to Royal Town to do some shopping. I was looking for a light jacket as I only had a winter jacket and nothing really suitable for those days where it is too warm for a winter jacket, but too cold to go without any jacket. I also took the opportunity to visit a book antiquary which has a large collection of books on Oceania.

Strolling back with a nice jacket and a book in the bag, I took a slight diversion to the seat of our government. There I took this panoramic image, created from 12 individual photographs in two layers:

(click image to enlarge)

The viewing angle of this image is about 170 degrees. The left side shows the 13th century Hall of the Knights, the location of the annual Reading of the Throne in September.

The bleached-out cloud cover at right is a bit unfortunate, but couldn't be avoided.

Relics of a war (with photo's)

2008-06-04T22:55:00.010+02:00

Last Sunday I went on a hiking trip organized by my neighbour. The trip was through the coastal dunes west of Harbour Town, along the World War II beach and harbour defenses there built by the Germans.

Because of the strategic importance of the harbour of Harbour Town, the German occupation army created a heavily fortified "Festung" covering the harbour entrance. It was one of the most heavily fortified parts of the infamous "Atlantik Wall", consisting of coastal gunnery bunkers, FLAK emplacements, and underground living quarters.

Our hike brought us along and in several of the bunkers, and partly into the maze of tunnels connecting them that runs underneath the area. Most are filled with sand and rubble, but a group of volunteers is digging them out and restoring them.

One of these volunteers was our guide on this trip. He managed to have a story of at least 20 minutes with about every fragment of concrete strewn over the area. We all were dying to go into the tunnel system, so after an hour or 3 we kind of had it with him, no matter how enthusiast he was. Luckily, we did get to the tunnels eventually.

Walking the area with such a guide was cool though. He pointed out things to us which we otherwise would never have connected to the bunker system. A piece of badly corroded electric cable sticking out of the ground for example, turned out to be the telephone wire that connected the bunkers to the central command post.

So what did we see? We saw the circular emplacements for FLAK (anti-aircraft artillery); a gunnery bunker covering the harbour entrance, with a 7.5 cm gun in it (not the original, but of the same type that used to stand there. This one was captured elsewhere in the country, about the time of the Battle of the Bulge. The impact point of the bazooka grenade that hit it could still be seen in the armour plate); coastal gunnery bunkers; an observation bunker (remember that scene from "The Longest Day?"). Underground crew quarters; and the mentioned tunnel system connecting them.

Below are some pictures I shot:

coastal gun bunker

coastal observation bunker (M152 MarKo stand)

corridor to entrance of observation room inside bunker, taken from observation room

7.5 cm anti-tank gun in bunker

Bazooka impact damage

overgrown FLAK (anti-aircraft) emplacement

partly dug-out FLAK emplacement. These emplacements had a rotating armour dome with the gun

blown-up pre-war bunker of our own army

Tobruk (one-man machinegun bunker)

Tunnel entrance

embrasure covering entrance

Air cleaning filter in case of gas attack

The bunkers and tunnels were very cleverly designed. Our guide showed us with a tennis ball how a hand grenade thrown into one of the air vent pipes would end up in front of your feet from another pipe within seconds. And the tunnels have a lot of corners, so an intruder would never be able to get everyone with one machinegun or flame thrower swipe. Entrances were covered by embrasures.

Apart from the bunker system and the anti-shipping and anti-aircraft gun batteries, there was a double anti-tank wall and anti-tank moat around the "Festung". Anti-vehicle obstacles like "Rommel asparagus" faced the shore front, and over 180 000 mines (7000 of which never have been relocated untill now) were planted.

It never functioned for the event it was designed for. As we all know, the allied landed in Normandy. Maybe because the fortification here was so formidable.

Seen the new Indiana Jones movie

2008-05-31T12:50:00.001+02:00

Yesterday evening the Archaeologist and his newly wedded wife the Museum Curator and me went to see the new Indiana Jones, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. We first had a meal of home-made pizza, looked at the pictures I made at their wedding, and then went to the cinema.

The movie has all the pace, typical ingredients and excitement of the previous installments. At first it is weird, maybe even somewhat shocking, to see an Indy that is an older man, well past his prime. You have to get used to that during the early part of the movie. But then, as the adventure unfolds, it doesn't matter anymore.

The "older" Indy is a somewhat different Indy though, appearing to have become a little bit morose with age. There is less quipping. Yet all the old ingredients are there: the quick action, the fear of snakes, his iconic hat, whip, leather jacket, revolver and shoulder bag. Some part of the action, more so than in earlier movies, is left to his principle younger side-kick though (Mutt, played by Shia LaBeouf).

Other by now familiar ingredients abound too and make it a typical Indy: the cobb-web dressed ruin vaults, skeletons, crumbling faces, hidden entry doors of solid stone to be opened by some ingeneous hidden device, ingeneous traps, temple-chases, hostile natives, hideous insects, and of course the villains, which in this case are no longer the Nazi's but the Russians. For this is an Indiana Jones episode that is set during the early fifties, not the thirties. Early Rock & Roll, greasers, atomic bomb tests and the McCarthy communist witch-hunt set the tone.

Occasional references are made to the earlier episodes. For example, during the chase at the secret military warehouse, a glimpse of the Ark can be seen.

I won't dabble too much here in the anachronisms that can be occasionally spotted in the movie (like having a very firm grasp on the absolute ages of archaeological cultures, even though the movie is set before the widespread application of radiocarbon dating).

I loved the movie and can thoroughly recommend to go and see it, if you liked the earlier installments. Indiana Jones has always been providing us with a great "image", even though it has nothing to do with real archaeology (but who cares?!) and even though I vehemently have to disagree with my esteemed colleague Dr. Jones when he shouts to a student: "Good archaeologists don't spend their time in the library!".

And yes: I do have the hat....

Meeting MW last Saturday

2008-05-29T01:00:00.001+02:00

A late report, partly because I have been not so well physically over the past weekend due to some stomach virus.

Last Saturday MW text-messaged me, asking me if I had time for a visit in the evening. So Saturday at 9 pm I bicycled to her place.

It was weird, her opening that door, 3 years after we last were together. Her little son took a curious peek but didn't seem to recognize me (he was 3 at that time). She had lost some weight compared to then, and her hair is different. I could tell, from the way she spoke, she was nervous. She had a few glasses of wine before I came.

She started by telling me what had happened. Basically, a story of continuous distrust. He suspected her of still seeing me. When she got pregnant in the summer of 2006, he seems to even have initially suspected it was from me and not from him. We hadn't seen each other for over a year then, but he didn't believe it. The year following that, he started to take distance, going out with friends a lot, including female friends. Last September, he walked out and didn't come back.

I told her what happened to me in these 3 years. The struggle to get back to work, the dating adventures, what happened with C. Then we opened a bottle of wine I brought with me and started to reminiscence about the time we met, how it all came to happen.

This brought the topic on "us". She told me she had been at the point of contacting me a few times earlier but didn't. She was not quite sure why she did now, except that the wanted to know how I was faring.

She also said that, being still in the process of handling the divorce, she was not ready to enter a new relationship (with me, or anybody else) yet.

Later that evening it became confusing though when she crept closer to me on the couch, and took my hand. I made the mistake of allowing that. And more.

I left at 3 am, with a very double feeling. It was good to have seen her and spoken to her again, but also very confusing, especially with the intimacy that followed later that evening even though we both initially wanted to avoid that.

After this confusing evening I have spoken to her by phone once, yesterday evening, after she mailed me her mother (who is terminally ill) had been admitted to hospital rather suddenly.

One year ago

2008-05-22T20:25:00.001+02:00

Yesterday it was one year ago that C. died.

I went to her grave at about noon and left flowers and a poem. It seems unreal that it is a year ago already.

Yesterday was a bit of an odd day: my visit to her grave was squeezed in between a visit to the dentist and a visit to one of my docters, while in the evening I had a dinner and boardplay evening with my friends.

Maybe as a result, it was today and not yesterday that the sadness got to me. I have not been feeling well today.

Tomorrow is the marriage of The Archaeologist and The Museum Curator. It is good weather so no doubt it will be a fine day.

Stag party

2008-05-19T19:18:00.005+02:00

Last Saturday was the stag party of The Archaeologist. With a group of six (an 8th person had to cancel part of the day last minute but was present in the evening) we fetched him up in the morning and drove to the outskirts of Harbour Town, for two hours of paintball fight. Here is our team of paintball heroes.... (me at left):

The setting was a large hall where a mock battlefield had been recreated. During the two hours we played several game variants, usually split up in two teams. From two sides of the hall, the two teams had to sneak up each other and try to eliminate each other.

I had never played paintball before. It was funny, but the hit of a paint bullet actually hurts unpleasantly and for me that took some fun off the game. After the games, we all were covered in small bruises all over our body.

The bridegroom at one moment was fitted out with a bunny suit, and we got the opportunity to "hunt" him.... :-p

Following a lunch, we next went to a bowling center. Bowling is not really my thing, and in this case it turned out that we reserved two lanes during the Kids Disco hour. Which meant we as adults were surrounded by dozens of yelling kids, with nervous mothers trying desperately to prevent skulls and toes being crushed by bowling balls, and with children's music in the background.

At the end when returning our bowling shoes, we had to struggle through a mass of kids. For a moment, we contemplated taking a few of those little brats with us to restock our cellars... ;-)

Next we teamed up with the ladies party (typical: while the guys went shooting, the ladies had amused themselves with a High Tea and painting portraits of the wedding couple somewhere in an old farmstead...) for a drink and dinner in an Indonesian restaurant. There was a lot of animated chit-chatter. Alas, none of the ladies but one were still single; and that single one was not my type. The two ladies opposite me during dinner (friends of the Museum Curator) definitely were: one was of the cute lovely type, the other of the bright spontaneous type. But alas not single as I already wrote.

Snail (photo post)

2008-05-18T16:23:00.005+02:00

Friday morning saw heavy rainfall. The snails came out as a result, and I took some pictures of one in our almshouse garden in the late afternoon after returning from work (the rain had stopped by then).

Snails are nice macro targets. They don't move so fast....

The snail appears to be a juvenile (and hence still small: the adults are quite large) specimen of the European brown garden snail (Helix aspersa, syn. Cornu aspersum), known as "petit gris" in French cuisine. They are edible and one of the two main snail species often prepared as "escargot" in France.

(click images to enlarge)

A bee and a beetle (photo post)

2008-05-15T17:28:00.004+02:00

Yesterday appears to have been the last sunny day (it is drizzling now, with some thunder now and then and rather warm and moist and hence uncomfortable). I woke up rather late and with a headache, so I did not go to badminton. Instead I made a walk in the afternoon. In one of the parks along the old city moat of My Town, I made the two photographs below (with the Canon Ixus, as usual).

The first shows a honeybee (Apis mellifera sp.), sipping nectar from a 'bleeding heart' (Dicentra spectabilis) flower. Ubiquitous as honeybees are, they keep being nice macro targets with their furry bodies and gleamy eyes.

The second photograph shows a Multicoloured Asian Ladybeetle (Harmonia axyridis) again - see also my earlier post here.

(click images to enlarge)

All quiet on the dating front....

2008-05-15T17:15:00.004+02:00

Not much happening on the dating front. Women look at my profile, but that's it. Unlike two years ago, I am not so active with approaching candi-dates (pardon me the bad pun) myself yet. I did so 3 times the past two weeks. Two declined, one did not answer. I am more of a lurker now, waiting like a spider with my web spun until someone comes along who really stands out of the grey masses.

Below is an age distribution of the women that looked at my profile the past week:

Not much progress on the MW front either. She sends me a non-committal message every now and then. I have suggested to meet somewhere and talk each other up to date again. She was positive about that but no date has been picked yet.

Mint moth (photo post)

2008-05-12T16:57:00.004+02:00

Yesterday I bicycled to my mother for a Mother's Day visit. Because of the weather we were sitting in her small front garden, along with my sister and brother in law and their two kids.

Late in the afternoon a tiny butterfly fluttered about and set itself on a plant. I had my Canon Ixus 75 with me and shot a few pictures, the best of which is this one:

(click image to enlarge)

The tiny butterfly is a Mint moth (Pyrausta aurata), a common species in European gardens. It is very small, about 1 cm (0.4"). Although active by daylight too, it formally is among the night-time moths.

Does it suit?

2008-05-10T19:39:00.002+02:00

I bought a new suit today. With the wedding of The Archaeologist and The Museum Curator coming up, and being back in academia, it was time to get a new suit for occasions where I have to be "presentable". So today I went into town with my brother and my sister in law. They knew a small tailor shop which was good and not too expensive, with an old-fashioned helpful approach to their customers. Indeed, the lady that helped us had a good eye for things and we quickly managed to fit me with a nice, elegant suit. Dark with a faint chalk-line. And for a reasonable price.

The weather is very sunny and warm here.While my brother had to go to his job after our shopping activities, my sister in law and little niece stayed for a lazy afternoon on the courtyard. That courtyard is where much of my lazy time is spent currently, given the very fine weather.

Tuesday I spent some time in the courtyard with my neighbour. She managed to talk me into joining a hike she organizes, on June 1st. We'll walk through the dune district and then go underground, into the tunnel system which the Germans left and is part of the Atlantik Wall. It stretches for kilometres under the dunes along the coast.

Yesterday I spent a long evening with my old highschool friend Jacky. It was some time ago we last saw each other, so we decided it was time to catch up again. First we went into town, having a very nice dinner outside at a Thai restaurant. Back home we spent several hours, until well after midnight, in the courtyard, emptying a bottle of rosé wine.

The renewed dating activities came up, and so at a given moment I fetched the laptop (I have wireless since a few months) and let her have a look at the dating site and profiles on it. It was interesting to note how she as a woman reads some profiles, quickly remarking: "she goes for people with money" or "she has obviously been cheated on once". We had a fun time commenting on the more tragic pictures & profiles....

One clearly tongue-in-cheek profile that made me laugh read:

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii,
Are you that one man that can provide me with everything, and with this I mean: expensive gifts (cars, jewellery, horses etc.), hollidays and luxury dinners? In that case you are allowed to respond. If you are very good looking, I might even send you an answer....

Job: Work? Why? You are going to provide for me, isn't it?

Hobbies: shopping with your Gold Card...."

I have sent out three messages on the dating site so far. One answered with a "no interest", the two others didn't answer at all.

To Date or Not To Date?

2008-05-07T17:05:00.001+02:00

The sudden return of MW on the scene - although I haven't heard from her since our short communication yesterday - has generated something of an uncertainty here.

I have just a week ago re-activated my (payed) internet dating account. But what should I do now? Drop it again? Or try to get dates nevertheless?

I talked about this with two (female) friends today: P. and G. They both (separately from each other) strongly suggested I should go on with trying to get a date.

What is your opinion?

The return of Married Woman....

2008-05-06T18:39:00.001+02:00

I do not know what the Gods are cooking up, but today saw the return of someone from the past. Someone significant. "Married Woman" (also known as "J." to the MoH homies).

She suddenly sent me an invitation for a social network early this afternoon, followed by an exchange of private messages. She is no longer Married Woman. She is now Unmarried Woman.....

I haven't written much about MW on here so far. It all happened before I started this blog, and moreover I know she wouldn't like it too much being the subject of discussion here. But in order to not let you readers in the dark, some fundamentals of our entanglement:

MW and I met four years ago, during a difficult period in both our lives. As her nickname suggests, she was married, in a marriage that had some cracks in it. She had a little son (and now an additional girl I understood). We were in a situation where our activities brought us into near-daily intensive contact. Soon we discovered that we seemed to understand each other very well. One of those cases where a mere look is enough to know what the other one is thinking and feeling. In other words: quite towards being 'soulmates', for want of a better word characterizing it. The only other person I have had this with this intensely was C.

The inevitable happened. We became friends, then close friends, and then the problems started. She was married, after all. Yet there was this strong chemistry between us. We struggled with it and pretended to ignore for a while. Did some social things, like going to the movies (with some other people, so that it would not be a real "date" between us). Then, one day during a telephone call after a somewhat dramatic day for her, she blurted it out: "what about us?!".

Next came a confusing period of attraction and taking distance, repeatedly. Then, one late afternoon after a class we were both following, came a moment we were momentarily off-guard and kissed. My first real kiss by a woman (can you imagine? I was 34!).

This made it even more confusing. Next came several months of an excruciating cycle of repeated approachment and taking distance again, featuring semi-clandestine lunch meetings followed by brief notes that we should not go on with it. Then one day, with the whole thing going on for a month or seven already, the inevitable happened. Like the kiss, the first time for me.

She then told her husband what happened and shortly left him. But, partly under strong pressure from her family and guilt towards her son, next she decided to return to her husband and go into relation therapy. At that point, I lost my believe in it and forced myself to take distance. We broke with our contacts, after a 7 month period of clandestine (and untill shortly before the end Platonic) semi-relation. Around the same time, friends brought me into contact with Second Girlfriend. I jumped into that, as she was (apart from very charming) much less problematic.

I have very special memories to that time, but never have been proud of it. She was married after all. I felt bad about that aspect, it was not something I wished to pursue. I never would have thought I would do such a thing. But we both had to cope with feelings that had emerged gradually but grown very strong: and then, what do you do in such a case?

And now, three years later, she returns. She wrote she separated from her husband in September last year and that they are now finalizing the divorce.

Confused.

Towards a new round of dating.....

2008-05-02T14:27:00.001+02:00

Regular readers will know that the past year was a lonely year, following the death of C. While other things in my life have turned allright again (and maybe pressed upon me even more because of this), it is a fact that I do feel lonely and can't get used to it. At the same time, over the past year following C.'s death (it will be exactly one year coming May 21st) it was impossible for me to actively pursue a solution. C.'s memory and the mourning for her were too strong.

Wednesday I had one of our regular dinner evenings with my friends. The Archaeologist and the Museum Curator are about to marry on May 23rd, and talk about their preparations etcetera lead to a discussion of "relationships" in general, sharing your life with someone, and I mentioned my feelings about this. Every time I see another friend or couple of friends marry, or giving birth, I feel happy for them, but sad at the same time as it hits me again what I am missing.

I am still mourning for C. and haven't come over that yet (this morning at my therapist, I again had tears in my eyes when the subject turned to her). Still, maybe it is time I try to go on again. The talk with my friends Wednesday evening finally convinced me to take a step into that direction. As a result, I re-activated my old internet dating account yesterday, two years after I last used it (yes, it is two years ago already).

For the moment I plan to take a bit of a low key approach and will not that actively pursue dates as I did 2-3 years ago. It's more of a first step. We'll see what and if anything will cross my path.

On my bicycle through the polder (photo post)

2008-04-27T19:44:00.009+02:00

Yesterday (Saturday) was a warm sunny day. I went to the village where I spent my youth, for a haircut (quite necessary) and a visit to C.'s grave. I resolved not to drop by at my mother's place, as I was not in the mood for that after visiting the cemetary and instead wanted to take advantage of the fine weather.

So I took my bicycle in the early afternoon and made a 3 hour tour through the polders east of My Town, starting south of The River, then crossing it and exploring the area to the north of it. This is a still rather rural part of the region, with wide vistas over the polder landscape.

The polder was a lush green, combined with a lot of yellow from flowers. Cows and sheep were grazing, and the air was full of insects. The St. Marks flies were mating, and the fish were spawning in the drainage canals. Spring is in the air, evidently.

Of course I carried my camera with me. Here is one of the images I took, showing a 19th century drainage mill:

(click image to enlarge)

Near the end of my bicycle trip the route brought me past the house of my brother and my sister-in-law. My brother works on Saturdays but my sister in law was at home, so I paid a visit. We spend several hours leisurely outside in front of their house watching the boats on the river (their house is on the levee of The River), talking, and playing with my little niece. My sister in law invited me to stay for dinner, and so I did. I came home when dusk was already in progress. A very relaxed day!

As mentioned I had my camera with me and besides pictures of the landscape I also took some macro images again. Here are the best of them. First, a lady beetle:

(click images to enlarge)

The Lady Beetle pictured above is a Harmonia axyridis or Multicoloured Asian Lady beetle and it has a story to it. It is not a native European species, but was introduced some years ago in Belgium as a "biologic" pest control against aphids. From there they are now quickly spreading over Europe. The problem is, that they are very ferocious predators and not only eat aphids but also the larvae of beetles including the native ladybird species, as well as the eggs and even caterpillars of butterflies.

Although a lot of insects were in the air (making me wish sometimes I were donning goggles on my bike...) only few were willing to pose for me. The image below shows one and is a dancing fly (Empis tesselata), a predatory fly species common in wet environments:

(click image to enlarge)

To end on a painfull note: I had forgotten to put sunblock on my hands. I have vitiligo, most notably on my hands. As a result, they were badly sunburned by the time I came home again: pink as a lobster, and one hand even slightly swollen. Auch!

Mining bee (photo post)

2008-04-24T20:58:00.004+02:00

Wednesday afternoon, coming back from badminton, I noted some dandalions tucked away at the edge of a fence in a street near my house. Feeding on the dandalion flowers were some very small, very swift wild bees. Later, with the help of the better informed members of an on-line entomology forum, they were identified as mining bees (Adrena sp.).

I had my Ixus camera with me and shot a few photographs, which wasn't easy as the bees were swift and small and the dandalions behind the wheels of some bikes parked there. One of the people living in the street who saw me kneeling down there thought I was folling around with the bikes and called to me from her window. This photograph was the best result:

(click image to enlarge)

Good looking women

2008-04-22T23:41:00.002+02:00

Monday afternoon at work the two student-assistants that share my room and me were discussing what we considered our definition of "good looking persons". We ended up Google-imaging and showing each other actors & actresses from movies and TV-series we considered "good looking".

Here are the ones I came up with:

Scarlett Johansson:

Diane Neal:

Andrea Anders:

Michaela Conlin:

Kiele Sanchez:

Mandy Moore:

Mariska Hargitay:

Birthday week: 38 and single

2008-04-19T14:33:00.013+02:00

Last Tuesday was my 38th birthday. It was also the 31nd birthday of G., the girlfriend of Croc, so G. and me decided to go out for a mutual birthday-drink this Friday evening.

G. is finishing her PhD thesis and meanwhile working shifts as a bartender in a small pub in the heart of My Town. It is one of those small, a bit hidden pubs that are mainly known to the locals in the neighbourhood and a select part of the student population of My Town. It has a relaxed atmosphere. The downside is that it has very little female visitors in the interesting age-range. In the words of G.: "instead, mostly drunk old men". To which I would ad: "and drunk old tarts...".

G. had arranged her shift to end at 8:30 pm and I joined her at the pub after that. Not quite unexpectedly, we both had bought a book as a present for each other. I presented her with the Spanish writer Arturo Pérez-Reverte's "The painter of Battles" (a novel with autobiographic undertones that has a much more serious mindset than most of his other books), while G. presented me with Stephen Fry's "Making history". Soon after we settled in a corner of the pub, Croc arrived as well but after a short while went on a tangent with some of his former Frat friends so I didn't get to speak with him much.

G. and I always have fun. She used to be a student at the time I was a PhD and giving classes and workshops (and as a funny side note: a colleague PhD -who had just "scored" a student himself- once tried to match us at that time. An ill-fated attempt as both G. and me couldn't quite understand the why of that idea, even though I did a lame-ass attempt to ask her out to please my colleague).

Interestingly, I feel she didn't quite like me at that time. We however became friends later, after she went to study abroad in South Africa, and got into a relationship with Croc. In fact, while my friendship with Croc waned a bit over the years, the friendship with G. has quite intensified over the past 2-3 years.

We got into a quite animated conversation with a couple in their fifties. He was a lecturer in law at the university of Harbour Town, with an interesting past of having been human right lawyer with Amnesty first, aiding refugees seeking asylum in our country; and then switching to working as a legislator with the government on the very same issue of rights to asylum. I did not get what she was doing, but her interesting story was that she had travelled a lot, and had been travelling for an extended time in Afghanistan during the seventies, before the time of the Russians and Taliban. She told us she had visited the giant Buddha statues at Bamyan, later destroyed by the Taliban. When she heard the profession of G. and me she got quite excited and started to talk about various interesting places in Afghanistan.

I mentioned that the drawback of the particular pub we spent our time in yesterday evening is that, although having a very easy atmosphere, it is not a place to meet women (in my case, I am not quite good at walking up to strange women in a pub anyway. It usually amounts to "observe and feel uneasy"). So I was quite surprised to see a quite good looking blonde enter the pub yesterday evening. I made a remark to G.: "Lo behold, this is the first time I see a really attractive woman in this joint...". She said: "Yeah, I noted your attention was suddenly shifting elsewhere...".
The blonde attached herself to a group of international MA students opposite the bench where G. and I were sitting. One of these MA students was known to me to be a student in the field of G. and my science specialisation, but I didn't know him very well (I saw him once at a lecture). Maybe I should have asked G. to introduce me to the group, but then, maybe not. I did feel a slight regret though when back home. It was a quite attractive blonde, physically at least....

One of the things of turning 38 is that it is an age where you start to feel closer to 40 rather than 30. And next realize you are still single, and not liking that. I therefore felt a bit lonely the past week.

Apart from the reason mentioned, this had also to do with a birthday being one of those significant moments again where you miss the presence of someone. This someone being C. of course. Next month it will be a year ago that she died. I dreamt of her again last Wednesday night, and in general felt a bit down these days. This lingering feeling of missing her made me print out and frame her photograph on Thursday for my work desk at the university. After I printed it out and framed it, I held it in my hands for a long time. It is a lovely photograph, where she is smiling and seemingly looks happy. Pictures can be deceiving.

It would not be correct to compare between my ex girlfriends (Married Woman; Second Girlfriend; Bunny; Alice; and C.) and say that one was better or more important than the other. That would not be fair, they all had something special and worthwhile to them and I have good warm memories to all of them. Yet two of them pop up in my mind more frequently, and those are C. of course; and Bunny.

With C., the frequent reader will know why: we were very close, with a very strong attachment to each other and a sense of understanding. The ties between her and me were primarily on a mental plane and only secondly on a physical plane. And her suicide was a very traumatic experience that still haunts me. It is a wound that hurts, unlike with the other ex girlfriends.

With Bunny, the attraction was strong both on a mental as well as a physical plane. I felt at ease while being around her, I could be myself (an important sign). And she was an absolute Hot Babe in all aspects of those words. I miss that warmth, I miss that attraction. It feels so cold now in comparison.

This post is not for the colour blind.... (photo post)

2008-04-14T08:09:00.003+02:00

Yesterday early afternoon I was walking through the alley behind my house, when I bumped into this explosion of colour sprinkled with rain droplets:

(click image to enlarge)

While yesterday was a day with periodic rain showers (as can be seen from the droplets on the photograph above), we had some nice sunny days earlier in the weekend. Warmer temperatures and sun brought out the insects. During a walk through a nearby park I captured this hoverfly on a narcissus:

(click image to enlarge)

Coming back from my mother's birthday later in the afternoon yesterday, I captured the first quarter moon next to the tower of the My Town town hall:

(click image to enlarge)

I really like my new small camera. It is much sharper than my old camera, and the higher resolution in pixel terms is a great bonus.

Book Tag

2008-04-06T00:37:00.001+02:00

Okay, so in this MoH-bloggers' book tag you are supposed to do the following things:

a) pick up the book nearest to you with more than 123 pages;

b) look up page 123;

c) go to the third sentence of that page, and cite the next five sentences.

Now here I have my first problem. What is actually meant by "book" here? A novel; or just a book? Because the book nearest to me is not a novel, but rather a technical book. My novels are in a ;large bookcase in another part of my room, on the shelf directly above my desk are hobby and work related books. Still, they are books... So then, here it goes:

Book: Astronomical Algorithms by Jean Meeus (Willmann-Bell, Richmond, 1991)

Quote:

"Due to the precession, the northern celestial pole (presently situated near the star alpha Ursae Minoris, or Polaris) slowly turns around the pole of the ecliptc, with a period of about 26 000 years; as a consequence, the vernal equinox, the interception of equator and ecliptic, regresses by about 50" per year along the ecliptic.

Moreover, the plane of the ecliptic itself is not fixed in space. Due to the gravitational attraction of the planets on the earth, it slowly rotates around a 'line of nodes' the speed of this rotation being presently 47" per century.

The plane of the ecliptic and that of the equator, and the vernal equinox, are the fundamental planes and the origin of two important coordinate systems in the celestial sphere: the ecliptical coordinates (longitude lambda and latitude beta) and the equatorial coordinates (right ascension alpha and declination delta). So, due to the precession, the coordinates of the 'fixed' stars are continuously changing."

I tag every non-MoH member that reads this post....

More playing with fire (edited)

2008-04-02T14:22:00.004+02:00

Update: April 3, 00:00: photo replaced with slightly altered crop version

Yesterday evening I did some more experiments with the new camera, macro and the topic "fire". Result is below picture. This is the best image out of a whole box of matches lighted and photographed...

(click image to enlarge)

You can tell that I was not allowed to play with fire as a kid.... :-p

Today is a strange day. It's my regular day off, and I should have been going to badminton today. This morning however, I had terrible cramps in my intestines and feelings of nausea and dizziness. So I called off my badminton partner P. and stayed home, in the vicinity of a toilet. Maybe it's yesterday's chicken, I don't know...

Just like in one of my previous post here, to which several of you reacted, I mentioned my contemplation about "to date or not to date" to Joan. She reacted with a "don't do it if you are not absolutely date-ready". Maybe she is right.

New camera

2008-03-31T17:46:00.005+02:00

I bought a new compact camera yesterday. My old trusty Canon Digital Ixus 400, after many years of faithful service, started to show some signs of age. Images seemed to be less sharp as they used to be, and with night-time images the amount of noise seemed to have increased.

So, when I discovered last week that a large electronics store chain had a campaign in which they offered the Canon Digital Ixus 75 for a very, very sharp price, I gave it a thought. And then gave in, trained to Royal Town yesterday afternoon and bought it. The store is the kind of giant "grab & pay" store I normally would never buy in, but heck: Canon is Canon, wherever you buy it.

The camera is a compact camera from the same family as my older camera, but a newer model with improvements. Apart from a better resolution (7.1 megapixels, while my old one was 4.0 megapixels), it has more options, a better lens, and what I especially like: a much larger (3") LCD display.

It is about the same size as my previous compact, but much thinner. It is very easy to carry in a pocket. The camera housing is a nice, slick design, and I like the combination of black and metallic finish. My first experiments with it yesterday and today have shown me that camera operation is very "intuitive", and I like that (one of the reasons I like Canon: their camera's are always very intuitive to operate).

Below is one of the first pictures I shot with it after charging the battery, yesterday evening. A candle I usually light in the evenings made for a quick test object for the macro function.

(click image to enlarge to full detail)

Somewhere this summer, after I have got the time to build up some financial reserve, I want to buy a DSLR, probably the Canon EOS 450D. Even though these Canon Ixus compact camera's are extremely good, a SLR gives you a bit more control over things, especially the focus and depth of field. You don't take a DSLR with you so easily though as a compact, so I prefer to have both.

Posting through Firefox ScribeFire extension

2008-03-28T20:34:00.001+01:00

This is just a test post so bear with me. I am testing the ScribeFire extension for the Mozilla Firefox Open Source webbrowser.

It is an extension to easily post new entries to blogs and it basically is a complete blog text editor that integrates with the web browser. The editor window opens with one click in the browser, and posting the written text is also a matter of one click (or at least that is what is promised). The editor allows you to do all things the Blogger post composition API allows you too (actually even a bit more it seems).

If you have multiple blogs (like me) it seems very easy to switch and select the blog you want to post to.

It looks fine and seems very easy to set-up and operate, but I won't know whether it really works untill I have posted this post. So here it goes: Inch' Allah!

edit: Okay, it seems to work fine! This really makes posting much more easy....!
edit 2: Hmmm, the image upload function does not seem to work though. That sucks...

Work progress, a photograph, and should I go dating again?

2008-03-26T23:32:00.004+01:00

The 3rd week at the job went better than the 2nd. I felt less tired and managed to get some more focus in what I was doing. I set up a framework for a paper and started to fill parts of it, starting with the introduction and outline of the research problem. That helped me a lot.

It was a short week anyway. We had the Friday off because of Good Friday, and Wednesday is my regular day off. I had a long weekend following it: Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. We have a day off the day after Easter here too.

Easter Sunday afternoon I spent at my sister's, with my brother and sister-in-law and their little daughter, and my mother present as well. It was nice, with the three kids present (my sister's two kids and my brothers little daughter).

We had a rather unique "white Easter" in parts of the country, one of the coldest in 40 years: snow! In MyTown it wasn't really that much (the kind that is gone minutes after it ends snowing), but when I went to work on Tuesday there was more over there.

I shot this picture on my way to my sister. It shows the old 19th century My Town observatory, with snow-laden clouds over it (as you can see, not quite snow on the ground yet here). This was actually shot almost right around the corner from my place.

(click image to enlarge)

I tried to pimp up the greens a bit to introduce some colour.

Last Saturday I went to C.'s grave again. It was miserable cold weather but I felt I had to go. I left a white rose again and a poem. She has been in my mind again a lot lately. There were several moments I wished I could just speak to her again.

Because I feel somewhat lonely lately, I have wondered whether I should try dating again. Now I am back in a job, I have the money to spend on a date again and my general starting point is better. But something is still holding me back. Maybe I lost my believe in it, in that it will work out: if I find someone, I'll lose her. I think that is what I am afraid of. At the same time, I feel lonely.

A week of adjusting problems

2008-03-15T15:07:00.005+01:00

Last week was the second week of being back to work. It went less smoothly than the week before. I was/am having some serious adjustment problems to the new daily rhythm of a work environment, and feeling a bit aimless. Of course, that was to be expected to some degree.

Last Tuesday it went wrong - I overslept myself. Or should I rather say: über-slept myself? My alarm-clock must have went off and somehow I must have silenced it. Only I totally can't remember that I did. All I know is that I woke up at 2:45 pm....

To avoid it happening again, for the past two days I set two alarm clocks, one at the other end of the room so that I have to physically get out of my bed to silence it.

As evidenced by the oversleeping incident, I feel very tired currently. Added to this came some untimely problems with my medication last Thursday and Friday.

When I wanted to take my medication last Thursday morning, I discovered the box was empty, one week before a new appointment with my subscribing doctor. A prescription mistake by him, and a mistake by me because I didn't check earlier. Actually I thought there was still one blister strip in the box; which there wasn't.

As a result I couldn't take my medication that Thursday. I next called from work that day trying to arrange a prescription being faxed to my pharmacy. The prescribing doctor turned out to be on vacation, but the doctor on duty promised to fax the prescription so I could pick it up at the pharmacy at the end of the day. When I got to the pharmacy after work however, it wasn't faxed and I had to call again on Friday and finally only got it Friday at the end of the afternoon. So I had to go two days without my medication.

The problem is that the medication I am prescribed, has serious withdrawal symptoms that already kick in even after missing one ay. As a result, late Thursday and on Friday I experienced some serious physical uneasiness (including severe dizziness).

Anyway: the nett result of all was a short but severe breakdown Thursday evening. I felt tired, depressed, and physically not well. I started to doubt whether I could handle it all again, whether it wasn't doomed to fail. I started to feel very lonely and crappy again, and was missing C.

Luckily, since last Wednesday I have all set up here to access the faculty network from my home lap-top. This means that if ever I feel not entirely well, I can opt to work from home as I can now access both my private files on the faculty network and the electronic resources of the university library from my home now.

I landed my first "student" this week by the way. A batchelor's student is doing a batchelor's thesis in my field of specialization, and her supervisor asked me to become second supervisor.

And now for something completely different.....: below is another moon image which I shot this evening (Saturday evening March 15). Click the image to see the large version (1260 x 975 pixels)

(click image to enlarge)

I used this image together with two other images to construct this mosaic image covering the full first quarter moon surface:

(click image to enlarge)

The image covering te northern moon hemisphere was slightly less sharp than the one covering the southern hemisphere.

My first days at the new job

2008-03-05T17:13:00.002+01:00

Monday and Tuesday were my first days with my new employer. Today (Wednesday) is my regular day off.

I travelled to the Capitol together with John on monday, and started with a talk with my new boss and John about my schedule for the first months. My superior outlined the structure of the institute and the work done there (parts of which already were known to me of course); we discussed future participation in the educative program; and a few other future plans. My supervisor stressed that during these first months, and knowing I have been sidelined for a long time, I should not feel bad if I sometimes feel tired and wish to cut a day short, or work from home. As a welcome present, I got the "Institute mug" (a mug with the university logo and institute name. If you get your coffee in that mug instead of a plastic cup in the cantina, it is cheaper).

Next I was introduced to some institute co-workers, and got a short tour of the premises. Not everybody was present though, as most have part-time appointments. It actually appears that I have the largest (in terms of hours per week) appointment, bar that of the institute director (the reason is that I am externally funded, by our NSF, and not by the university itself). My appointment is for 30 hours/week. Wednesday is my fixed day off, which leaves me two spare hours that I can use to start a bit later on one or two days.

After a short confusion about the whereabouts of the key, I was shown my office.
I share my office with two/three people (one is hardly ever present and due to leave anyway). One is a PhD student who works 2 mornings a week. So far, she was not present once I had installed myself in the office so I can't assess her yet. The other is a young MA student who works as a student-assistant on assigned research jobs and was present on both days. She is bright and nice and shows every sign of being a good pleasant room mate to work with.

The institute has 17 workers (including me) and is part of a very large faculty where over 700 people work. They are housed in an immense, '60-ies style concrete office & laboratory colossos of 6 floors high and 250 meters length, and internally with long corridors with steel doors. Kind of like a hospital.

And I really need to get used to that. My previous university employer was a very small faculty of maybe 25 people housed in a small building. Here, in this massive building where every corridor and wing looks the same, I feel lost and on some occasions indeed truely get lost. I only managed to find a male loo on my own floor on the 2nd day.

The offices of my institute co-workers are not clustered in the building, but spread over 3 floors. So basically, I see my co-workers other than my room mates during lunch-break only.

So far, my "work" has basically been consisting of visiting several university helpdesks to get me installed (e.g. to get network access and an e-mail address, and to arrange my travel cost declaration. My employer actually pays 70% of my (train) travel costs) and configuring my work computer (Yay! They have Firefox and Thunderbird!). I also made a first inventory of the journals available through the library network and made a start with catching up on what relevant studies were published the past 5 years. I could note I am no longer used to taking up a large amount of information in a day. I hope it will come back later though.

At the moment, I still need to adjust (which isn't a surprise really). At the end of the day I feel really tired (and today I woke up with a massive head-ache). It will need some time before I feel at home and safe there, instead of feeling like a total stranger.

My mood is going up and down as a result. Monday evening I was very tired, and suddenly felt quite panicky: could I handle this all? Would it work? But Tuesday morning on the other hand, while sitting in the train to work with a bright morning sun outside, I felt at ease and pleased to be back again.

Commuting isn't such a pain. There is a good railroad connection with trains going each 15 minutes (a direct train each 30 minutes, plus an additional option to take a train with a train-change at the airport). Door to door, it is an hour approximately. If I leave office at five, I am back home at six. The university campus is in a less than 10 minute walking distance of the train station.

As some of you know, I have been on a labour-impairment allowance for the past 4 years. After I notified the responsible agency about my return to a work environment, I got a letter that they do not expunge me from their system yet, but merely put me "on hold" for half a year. This means that if during the coming half year it turns out going back to work is too heavy for me after all, I will be able to return to the labour impairment allowance.

The Devil's ticket

2008-03-01T16:00:00.000+01:00

Thursday afternoon, at the Post Office, I drew this ticket. A sign? ;-p

In fact, it was the lady in front me who initially drew it, but did not take it. I took it and then she took a new. Apparently, it really was a sign to her.

I went to the post-office to buy stamps, because I wanted to post a CD to Australia. A friend of me there (with the same profession as me) had prepared and sent me a CD with songs by Australian groups and artists. In return, I now have prepared a similar CD with groups and artists from my country for her.

Maybe Nettie or Sarah can enlighten me: on her CD, there was a very cool rocking song called "Treaty '98" by a group or artist called Jothu Jindi. My friend confirmed to me while chatting yesterday that the artists are aborigine, but I can't find anything about them on the web.

note added: did find it after exchanging the J's for Y's: Yothu Yindi

Coming Monday will be my first day at the new university. Exciting!

Intake at my new employer, and 15 minutes of fame during a very hectic week

2008-02-23T17:33:00.006+01:00

Yesterday (Friday) afternoon I went to the offices of my new university employer, for an intake with their HR department. As of now, the start date of March 1st has been finalized (as this is a Saturday, the actual first day will be March 3rd).

The lady which did the intake provided very clear information. Already at this moment, I have the impression of a much more well-organised, much more professional organization than the previous university where I was employed. In fact, with my former university employer I never had such an intake, or any talk to the HR department whatsoever during my job there (I will elaborate on how I started there further below).

As a result of the intake talk, I now have the financial picture clear. Simply said, my nett monthly income will almost double compared to what it is now. As I will be working 30 hours/week and not 40, it is of course not a full academic salary. Still, I will be getting it more easy, financially, and be able to allow myself a bit more. There are some extra's too. Unlike my previous university employer, they have an end-of-the-year bonus for example, that is almost a full month salary. Nice! Also, 70% of my travel costs will be covered by them.

The salary is on an annually raised scale, i.e. it will increase each year by a certain amount (not inflation correction, but a true raise). My contract is for four years.

As I mentioned, my former university never did an intake with me at all. In fact, the way I started there was typical of the unorganised, unprofessional attitude there. When I came for my first day, no-one had bothered to arrange a room, desk and computer for me. In fact, literally no-one working in the research group I would be employed in, including my formal superior, was present during my first day. When I arrived at 9 pm that morning, the wing where the research group was housed at that time was completely dark, with no-one present. So I stood there in an empty office wing, scratching my head: "Now what?!". In the end, I put a post-it on the door of the (deserted) secretary office, saying:

"This is my first work day here, but nobody is present. If you are looking for me: I have temporarily taken my domicile in the library..."

I spent 3 days in the library before they managed to arrange a workplace for me.

*** hectic days again, with 15 minutes of fame ***

It was a very hectic week here. Due to one of my hobby activities, our national TV, radio and newspaper media again turned to me for backgrounds regarding an issue that made international headlines last week. I got visited by two camera-teams at my home, appearing in two TV programs on our national television: a very short appearance in our national broadcaster's TV News, and a longer item in a well-watched news backgrounds program on our national TV. I was consulted by one of the major "quality" newspapers of my country, and appeared in the morning radio news on our national radio. The news team of the latter actually called me very early in the morning on Thursday, when I was just asleep after being up at 4 am to watch the lunar eclipse of that night. Meanwhile, traffic to my website on that subject sky-rocketed. A very hectic few days indeed! As a result, I am now feeling very tired.

My 15 minutes of fame did have some funny effects: the lady that did the intake at the university had to her surprise seen me (before she ever met me) on TV the evening before for example. One of my neighbours came knocking on my window the next day, with a "thumbs up", for a short chat. And quite a number of people Googled my name the past two days.

As I am not listed in the telephone book, most news media calling for me initially ended up with my brother by the way, who (confusingly) has a first name starting with the same letters as me.

Valentine is over (+ added photo post)

2008-02-16T17:00:00.005+01:00

On Valentine's day I went to C.'s grave again, with a white and a red rose and a poem. Last year, when she was still alive, I sent her a card. Now I stood at her grave. My first Valentine for a deceased.

After some hesitance (as I was not sure I was doing wise with it) I sent a card to a living person too: to my former art teacher who from time to time has been mentioned in this blog before. I was not sure I was doing right with it, but A., a female friend and colleague in Australia, said "do it!" and did not think it was inappropriate. Actually, she added the comment:

"Man you are just too subtle when it comes to real life (not the internet though)"

Well okay...but minutes after I put the card in the postbox I already had regrets.

I got two (electronic) cards myself. One was from Alice. The other was from the A. mentioned above.

*** New Photographs ***

Took up the camera again the last two weeks and shot the images below. The first one, a view from the Castle wall of MyTown, has an unusual story attached to it as to how it was made. It is a stitch of 4 photographs, which were actually made on two different dates two days apart.

Initially I had shot the right part of the image, up to the trunk of the tree. While assembling the stitch at home, I felt I was really "missing" the area to the left of the tree. So two days later, and after consultation of my planetarium software to determine the moment the direction of the sun would me most similar, I went back and shot that part of the composite image.

The other image shows Crocusses in our garden and was shot slightly over a week ago.

(click images to enlarge)

I made some new moon images too, these are images from the evenings of February 12th and 15th:

(click images to enlarge)

Sister Moon, Be My Guide....

2008-02-11T09:29:00.000+01:00

As readers of this blog have expressed that they like them, here is another telescopic moon photograph. I made it yesterday in evening twilight.

(click image to enlarge)

I shot some more "terrestrial" images too the past week (town scenery, flowers) but have not had opportunity to process those yet.

Not much else to report here. Just deliberating with myself whether I will send my blonde former art teacher a Valentine's day card or not. Probably not.

Strange two weeks (various items)

2008-02-06T15:14:00.000+01:00

As I am writing this, I am slightly ill. The past days I have had headaches, nausea and dizziness. It's some sort of virus, as more people around me have complained of it. I had to skip the opening of John's new institute today because of it as I was definitely not feeling well this morning.

Last week has been a very strange one. One of my hobby interests briefly propelled me into the limelight when a related issue made headline news in the US and Britain 1.5 weeks ago. Someone linked a webpage of mine as a primary background source on that topic from the relevant Wikipedia page, and next I saw internet-traffic to that webpage skyrocket into four figures a day. Some weird IP's among the visitors too. For example the NSA, plus an IP from the US Senate, and the US State Department (after that NSA visit, I joked to some friends that I was on the lookout for black helicopters, and asked them to send some clean underwear to Gitmo in case I would suddenly disappear). In addition, one of our national radio channels interviewed me on the topic.

Less than a month now before I'll take up my new job at the university in the capitol. I am already "practising" with getting up early. One of the results of that is below shot of the moon, taken through my telescope the 26th of January:

(click image to enlarge)

Birth and Death...

2008-01-24T16:24:00.000+01:00

Today would have been C.'s 22nd birthday. I went to her grave this morning, with a white rose and short poem, and a sad heart. The weather was gray and rainy.

The tombstone has now finally been placed. It is a large glass panel with a wavy top. On the panel, besides the usual name and dates, is a depiction of the iconographic painting C. made a year before her death: that of a little girl, seen on the back, standing at the edge of the surf on a sandy beach, in tones of blue and ochre. It is a beautiful, touching, impressive painting that was also used on her death notification card.

In front of the glass panel is a rectangle of blue-purple granite chunks. The area encompassed by them, is filled with large seashells. At the nearest side, is a small glass panel with a poem.

I had a very emotional moment again when I stood there, and looked at that painted image of a small lonely and sad girl on the tombstone. I started to cry again, big sobs and tears, a surge of pain and emotion coming out just like right after her death, in a way that I previously thought I had left behind me. The severity of it frightened me a bit. It all still hurts, quite much.

After this morning I feel quite crappy again. Sad, depressed and lonely. I miss her, and it hurts.

A quick strategic action

2008-01-23T15:56:00.001+01:00

Last week I discovered, a bit to my surprise, that the internet domain name for my scientific specialization with my country extension was still unclaimed. Apparently, the research group at my former academic employer never thought about claiming it.

So I did and bought it. I thought it strategically wise to do so. The domain name now refers to a webpage of me, which provides a short summary of my research plus a portal to the website of the Institute where I will be doing my research, as well as to my personal website. And people can mail me through that domain name too.

*** Reaching for the Moon ***

Below photograph was taken by me yesterday evening, when the bright nearly full moon was high in the sky. I simply held my Canon Ixus compact camera with its (non-removable) front lens to the eyepiece of my small telescope. I used to make a lot of these kind of pictures in the old days, with my analogue mirror reflex camera. Ideally, you would want to remove the front lens of the camera itself first but with a compact like mine that is not possible.

(click image to enlarge)

Maybe I should go commercial with my photographs...

2008-01-21T11:18:00.000+01:00

Remember my panoramic photograph of the MyTown train station?

I was contacted by our National Railroad today. They asked me for permission to use the photograph on one of their websites. The MyTown station is a test project for a new type of station design and they have a dedicated website for that project.

They offered to pay me for publication permission. Now, I have no idea at all about the going rate for such a thing, and moreover no real commercial aim with my photographic activities. In fact, I have placed the photograps under a Creative Commons BY-ND-NC license for non-commercial use. So I charged the Railroad Company a symbolic and probably much too modest €15,- plus author attribution for the right to use the photograph on their website.

NEO's Challenge....

2008-01-19T15:43:00.000+01:00

In one of his recent posts, NEO provided a list of things he wants to have done before he leaves this Earthly drama. He then challenged his readers to do the same: provide such a list, with one item for each year you already lived. Which in my case, means I'll have to provide 37 items...

Here is my list, in no particular order, and containing both serious and less serious entries

1. Find the woman of my dreams and marry her
2. Have 2 or 3 kids
3. Learn to play bagpipes
4. Visit Easter Island
5. Visit New Guinea
6. Visit Australia
7. Visit Antarctica
8. Meet some of my on-line friends
9. Find a Neandertal skull
10. Be appointed full professor
11. Get my drivers license
12. Get my pilots license
13. Meet Paris Hilton and tell her I wouldn't fuck her for a million
14. Meet Kiele Sanchez and tell her I certainly would fuck her for a million, or even (quite) less, well, for free actually....
15. Dito for Scarlett Johansson
16. Dito for Mandy Moore
17. Have a honest talk with George W. Bush about his favourite episode of Sesamy Street
18. Dito with Paris Hilton
19. Give sexual education to the Pope
20. Play a guest role in Law and Order and/or A touch of Frost
21. Play a role in a Bond movie
22. Finish my novel
23. Own a Landrover
34. Own a Celestron 14
25. Own an Aston Martin
26. Own a Spitfire
27. Own an island
28. Photograph Nessie
29. Photograph Bigfoot
30. Have a wombat for a pet
32. Have a Llama for a pet
33. Throw a glass of wine into the face of Peter R. de Vries
34. Drink some real Cognac Napoleon
35. Make first contact with an undiscovered tribe
36. Live long enough to see my grandchildren
37. Kill NEO for this damned challenge...

I hereby extend the challenge to my readers, for as far as they already aren't NEO's readers too...

More tulips

2008-01-19T14:06:00.001+01:00

Two photographs I made yesterday morning, of the same tulips as in the time-lapse movie posted earlier.

(click images to enlarge)

Tulips (time lapse movie)

2008-01-14T21:52:00.000+01:00

This morning I noted that the tulips in the bouquet I got from my new university employer were opening.

So I set up my Canon Ixus camera and my laptop, and created the time lapse movie below. The 10-second movie is constructed of 270 individual photographs taken at a rate of 1 image/minute over a period of 4.5 hours.

(the music with the movie is a fragment of "Arcadia" by Kevin MacLeod)

Among the old colleagues

2008-01-13T22:35:00.000+01:00

Saturday morning my doorbell rang. To my surprise a florist was standing in front of me with a large bouquet of multi-coloured tulips. It was from the Board of the University where I will work from March onwards, congratulating me with obtaining the grant (the type of grant I got is rather prestigious. The university in total got 6 of them). A first example of how different this university is to the university I used to work for. That university only sends flowers when you die.

Friday afternoon I have been back among the colleagues of my former university for the first time in 4 years. Which was scary.

One of the staff-members, someone I used to be involved with in my research at MyTown University, has recently been appointed a full professorship and had his inaugural speech last Friday. John went and convinced me to join him and go too.

Initially I was very nervous, as being among these people would bring back memories I have buried, and I was not sure how they would react to my presence. John's presence was a bit reassuring however. And in the end, it all went very well and I came back with my spirits up. I spoke several of my former colleagues at the reception following the speech, and got very positive reactions to me being there, and having obtained my grant. Truth: I did avoid those people -with the exception of my former promotor- which were my main antagonists in backstabbing me 5 years ago. But there were enough former colleagues left that showed genuine joy for me. In the end, I was glad I did go. I had the feeling I am now taking back the place in scientific community which is rightfully mine again, and am stronger and more independent than I ever was before in that.

Dammitt! (geek irritation)

2008-01-11T15:03:00.000+01:00

Every once in a while something happens which you know is inevitable, but when it happens is just plain irritating. And thus invokes a "Dammitt!".

This morning when I fired up the laptop, the external hard-drive hooked up to it made a series of ominous clicking sounds and then went into coma. The disc is spinning and humming, but it cannot be accessed. The clicking sound every time I power it up suggest some mechanical failure in the arm with the needle which reads the disc surface. In other words: it is probably a goner.

This external hard-disc functioned as my data repository, it contains all non-program files: my photographs, my OpenOffice documents, Excel files, etcetera.

Luckily, I periodically make backups of the most important content of it, both on DVD as well as on a second external hard-drive. Nevertheless, as these backups are only periodical, I inevitably will have lost some recent files. It concerns some letters, and photographs. My last back-up was around Christmas.

The last photograph files I made a backup of are the full-resolution versions of these ones; alas, not yet included was the full resolution version of this one, and that invoked a heartfelt "Damn!!!!"with me....as it was one of my best recent pictures, I feel. All I have left now is a web-resolution version.

So, I'll probably have to obtain me a new hard-drive to replace the failed one (I need a drive only, as I can fit it into the existing external drive enclosure). And after I have gone back to work again, perhaps bring the failed one to one of those firms specializing in data recovery from failed harddrives, to see if some of the lost content can be salvaged.

GRRRRRR! I hate it when this happens.

See-through (photo post)

2008-01-07T12:15:00.000+01:00

Time for a photography post again. Below picture was shot by me last week. It shows one of the Churches of My Town as seen through the entrance porch in the wall of the 11th century Motte Castle on the artificial hill in the town center. Still one of my favourite spots in town - and only a few minutes walk from here. Remember I climbed it in dusk with Bunny on our first date?

(click image to enlarge)

Because of the strong difference in illumination between the castle wall and the bright town background, I had to post-process this shot quite heavily.

The Church in the background was build from the 14th to 16th century, but never finished. It was once meant as a Cathedral for a Bishopric seat that never came.

Goodbye 2007, Hello 2008

2008-01-01T16:09:00.000+01:00

A new year has started, another year completed. What did the past year 2007 bring?

Dates - Only one date this year, with Juliet in March. The date was a set-up by a mutual friend, Joan (some one I got to know through a datingsite actually). Although the date itself (and various follow-ups) was very enjoyable, it did not turn into something lasting romantically.

Worst - The year was highly dominated by one of the worst happenings in my life: my best friend C. committed suicide late May. She was only 21.
C. and me were very close friends and late 2006 we were romantically (but hesitatingly, a.o. because of the age difference, and some of C.'s private problems that ultimately caused her death) involved with each other. After her death things never got the same again, and the first months following it were very depressing. I am still not over her death, and it is one of the reasons I haven't taken up dating again.

Best - The best of the year was reserved for the last month: mid December our NSF honoured my grant proposal, which means that after 5 years at the sidelines, I will be taking up my profession again as a scientist at one of the two Universities in our capital. The grant covers 4 years of employment. Starting date will probably be March 2008.

Various - I got uncle again, to the very sweet babygirl of my brother.

Apart from this, nothing really worthwhile happened. After the tragic events with C., most of the year was spent in a haze in which I was just living from day to day.

2008? - Okay, what to expect, what to hope for? Of course, getting back to work again, and in my own profession moreover, after 4 years of formal labour impairment for health reasons, is a very important turn of the tide that makes 2008 a good year right from the start. It really is a new beginning, and the start of new opportunities and challenges. As my financial status will greatly improve due to it too, it also means I'll be able to allow me a bit more, including travel again.

One thing I do hope 2008 will bring is an end to loneliness. Yet, because of the 2007 events, that will be difficult to reach too. At the moment, I don't feel able to actively pursue dates again. Yet, I won't back off if someone comes on my path by chance.

To end this post: here's is a small video I made at midnight of some of the fireworks at my brother's place. Happy 2008 to you all!

Happy 2008!

2007-12-31T15:30:00.000+01:00

We still have 8.5 hours of 2007 to go here as I write this: but in some parts of the world it already is. So here is wishing you all a

Happy 2008!!!!!

That it may be healthy, filled with love, prosperous, and productive!

In my country we have a traditional "snack" for new years eve. It are oil-fried lumps of dough, usually with currants in it. The name literally translates to "oil-balls". I bought a few this afternoon to take with me to my brother (I will spend New Years eve at his place tonight). Here is a picture: for consumption they should be covered in powdered sugar by the way:

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-24T16:32:00.001+01:00

(click image to enlarge)

Ice-skating!

2007-12-23T12:15:00.001+01:00

Temperatures have been sub-zero here for a week, and as a result the canals and ponds are now covered with ice. As a result, I have been skating on Friday, for the first time in 10 years.

In the old days when our winters were better than nowadays (thanks to global warming, solar activity, George W. or whatever you want to point the accusing finger at) I used to be an avid long-distance skater, doing tours up to 50-60 km. But after the winter of '96-'97, we haven't had any decent conditions with a natural ice floor (and I hate indoor skating on artificial ice). So last Friday was a first in 10 years.

One of the small rivulets a few km from here had a decent and safe ice-floor. The real deal: that ideal smooth as a mirror black ice, of at least 5 cm thick, "singing" as you skate over it.
I was invited to come along by Marion, who was giving the small group of 3-4 year old children she does daycare for their first introduction to ice and skating and lives close by the spot where we went skating. As it turned out, my old skates no longer fitted me, so I had to borrow her husband's skates.

After 10 years I really was out of practise, but managed to stay on my feet without falling. After some 20 minutes, I gradually started to get into the old moves again. But I really need more practise to catch up (unfortunately, it seems the frost period is already in decline), or otherwise I am really getting old: I developed cramps in my feet that were a bit uncomfortable.

We stayed on the ice for some 2 hours. I loved being on the ice and on skates again. It is heaven, total freedom, total relaxation. The frosty cold biting your face, the frozen countryside, the "singing" of the ice as you move over it with long strokes, it is marvelous.

Below is me, still a bit uneasy but gradually getting back into practise again.

Grant received! A good ending to a bad year...

2007-12-12T18:13:00.001+01:00

Funny how one single e-mail can turn a bad year into a good one.

At around 4 pm this afternoon, an e-mail from our NSF popped up in my inbox, and turned the year upside-down. The e-mail notified me that the NSF has honoured my grant proposal. Which means I have a job for the next 4 years, for 4 days/week, as a post-doc research scientist at one of the Universities in our capital. It means an ideal re-entry into work after 4 years on a labour-impairment allowance: a re-entry into my actual line of work, continuing my scientific career.

It feels like, and indeed is, the start of a new, second life.

I'll probably start somewhere around March, depending a bit on the amount of red tape on the NSF and university side.

Happy? Yes, absolutely! Scared? Yes, that a bit too. After all, I come from a labour impairment situation. Naturally, this means fears like: "will I be able to handle it?". But I guess those will disappear once I am working.

One Year Ago....

2007-12-11T17:55:00.000+01:00

Today it is one year ago that rather significant things happened between C. and me. Naturally, my mind wandered to it today. What difference one year makes. She was still alive then.

I had wanted to visit her grave today on this special day, but I am still too ill to do so. Although I feel better than last Sunday, I am still quite not feeling well. Yesterday and today I spent most of the day in my bed, even though Monday morning I did briefly go out to accompany my mother to the housing agency office (she gets a new kitchen installed and had to make some choices in their showroom). After that I felt so bad that I rolled into my bed again.

The common cold and the flu for some reason always hit me rather heavy.

Ill....

2007-12-09T14:59:00.000+01:00

Biking through the rain last week has resulted in me catching a serious cold. For the past two days I have a "heavy" head and watery nose. Sucks!

Today I feel so bad that I have been doing very little besides hanging on my couch, sneezing, and taking Paracetamol. Luckily, I can get some distraction from watching the ice skating championships on TV.

I hate having a cold... :-(

Why I Hate December

2007-12-07T15:48:00.000+01:00

In general, I hate the period of October to January. The weather tends to be gloomy, wet, dark and uncomfortable during these months, and that gets on my mood.

The particular month of December I hate even more though, for various reasons. It's all that 'cozy' stuff regarding Christmas (plus in my country, St. Nicolas on December 5th), plus lately memories attached to this month.

Plainly said: the December festivities suck if you are alone and don't have a really tight family. I have too many bad memories to failed Christmas celebrations and those taint the whole experience. Here's a quite typical Christmas such as they were celebrated in my family:

My mother would against all ods and better knowledge try again to arrange a "perfect" Christmas each year and used to be nervous for days before Christmas because of that. This usually got on the nerves of my dad. On Christmas day my mother would spend hours preparing a nice dinner (traditionally with rabbit), decorating the table, dressing up etcetera. My father would then refuse to sit at the decorated table, sit down at the small reading table and say to my mother: "Just bring it over, I'll eat here". Next he would appropriate the bottle of cheap wine (usually a so called "Chateau Migraine"), empty it in record time and get drunk, then start an argument, and go to bed at 10 pm. There was one Christmas where he was so drunk that he tripped over his feet, fell on the edge of the bed and split his nose open. He was on anti-bloodcloth medication at that time, which meant a lot of blood that wouldn't stop. He refused to go see a doctor in his drunk stupor, so my mother, embarased to her toes, called the MP on duty for a house call. What a merry Christmas.

By the time my father died, my mother's slumbering Paranoid Schizophrenia disorder had come to the surface, and she was experiencing psychosis. Christmas time would be so stressful and confusing to her that she couldn't cope, and get near or in a psychosis. To us as children, this is something of a burden. It is definitely not fun to spend a Christmas evening with someone who is mentally very confused in the way my mother can be: it drains you of all your energy. Over the past years, usually my sister would spent one of the Christmas days with my mother, and I would spend the other (we celebrate Christmas on two days here in my country). And we both regard it as something of a burden. You do it for her rather than for your self.

Christmas is the time it is most stressed upon me that I am alone. Christmas should be about sharing company and warmth and love, but when you celebrate it all alone, there is little of that.

Two Christmas celebrations stand out positively for me. One is a few years ago, when the parents-in-law of my brother invited me to come along with my brother and sister in law with Christmas. They are a very warm and welcoming family. I thoroughly enjoyed that Christmas evening.
The other one is the only Christmas I spent while in a formal relationship: with Bunny in 2005. That Christmas stands out as the Christmas that was as it should be: warm, cosy and together with someone you love and who loves you. Christmas 2005 was also the moment Bunny introduced me into her family (which was very large, as she was the 11th of 12 children). That experience of Christmas (and New Year) as a warm and happy family event, just as it had been with the parents-in-law of my brother, was something alien to me, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
A third Christmas I have memories attached to, was with C. last year. I had invited her for 2nd Christmas day, but as she had to work that day we postponed it one day. She came to my house and I made a "late" Christmas dinner for her (see this post). We ended up kissing and cuddling on the couch.

These few good memories, to Christmas with Bunny and all happening with C. last year, now in itself have become a point. December has become a month of memories for me, to things that were good but nevertheless make me feel sad, as they make me missing particular persons: Bunny, and C. And this makes me feel even more alone.

December last year was the month that saw a lot happening in a very fast and confusing pace with C. and me. After months of circling around each other pretending to be "just friends", C. and I exchanged our first kiss on December 11th last year. It was the start of some very confusing weeks. And I can't help it, but these days I am thinking of all those things happening around this time last year, and it makes me missing C. even more.

Digital cartoon

2007-12-02T16:30:00.000+01:00

After a few days of practise I am getting the knick of my new pen-tablet. The cartoon below was drawn directly with the pen-tablet and Inkscape, for VAN's birthday on the MoH.....

(click image to enlarge)

Geekpost: a new gadget arrived..

2007-11-29T00:22:00.000+01:00

Some of you know I can be a bit geeky sometimes. So I am sorry, my geekness means I cannot help I have to post about my new cool toy for my laptop.

The Lawyer recently helped me getting some tax returns over 2006 and 2005. Two weeks ago the second of these returns arrived on my bank account, and although I stuffed most away on my savings account for future needs, I decided to invest a portion of it in a cool new and handy toy for my laptop.

It is this: an Aiptek Slim Tablet 600U pen-tablet, as a replacement for my mouse. Here you see it in action on my desk:

Until recently such pen tablets were very expensive (and hence mostly used by professional illustrators only), but last year saw the introduction of more affordable priced tablets, including this new line of Aiptek tablets. Conrad (a large European on-line store for electronics) currently has it for a bargain price of only €59.95

I already wanted one of these for some time, so I am happy that I now finally could afford one. It arrived this morning, and is in operation since this afternoon.

When you do a lot of graphic work (including working with photographs) these pen tablets are heaven. Because you use other muscles while holding the pen in a precision-grip and moving it over the tablet than you do when moving and clicking a conventional mouse, you have much more and much finer control over cursor movement. This is great when selecting areas on photographs, or doing actual digital drawing work. And not only you have a much better control of the cursor movement, but these tablets are also position-specific. Which means you can actually draw, either directly or by digitizing paper drawings by putting them on the tablet and tracing them.

For the same reason mentioned above (other muscles employed, other way of arm movement), these pen-tablets are also a good way to prevent Repetitive Strain Injuries ("mouse arms").

The gadget consists of two parts: the actual tablet which is about A4 sized and connected to the laptop by USB; and the pen, which is wireless, so no cord attached.

The pen tip is pressure sensitive. If you are drawing with it in graphics software, pressing harder will get you a thicker line. Pressing (or rather: gently "tapping") with the pen-tip also functions as a "mouse-click" when using the pen-tablet as a mouse. One "tap" is one "mouse-click", two "taps" is a "double-click". On the pen are two buttons as well, the function of which you can program (I currently have it configured so that the lower button equals a "right mouse-click" and the upper functions for auto-scrolling up or down). You only touch the tablet when you want to "click": for moving the cursor you just move the pen tip a few millimeter above the tablet surface without touching it.

The tablet itself has a number of side-buttons, which can be programmed to perform certain functions (like opening certain software) upon touching.

At first working with it was very weird, but after a few hours of practise I am now getting used to it: and in fact it turns out to be very comfortable compared to a traditional mouse indeed. Definitely a cool new tool.

You just know a party is good when....:

2007-11-25T11:52:00.000+01:00

You just know a party is good when....:

1. You know you feel very relaxed and talk more than you usually do;
2. You only stagger home after 4:30 am;
3. You lose track of the number of glasses of wine;
4. The party-goers and you have great fun amusing themselves at 3 am with the mega-large Mac screen of G. and (note how things go downhill as the list progresses):

a) Google Maps;
b) exciting YouTube video's of Curling;
c) Youtube music (...) video's of Wesley Willis.

The hangover the day after (Saturday) was bad, but I had a great night.

As almost all people at the party were former students of mine plus some new PhD students from the faculty where I was formerly employed, I initially went with a slightly uneasy feeling. After all, given what happened to me at that faculty, I just no longer feel comfortable going back to that "environment" (even though my students have always strongly supported me). But it worked out fine.

(the party is question was the house warming party last Friday of Croc and his GF "G.", who recently moved in with each other and into a new appartment after G. returned from South Africa)

LaMa goes to Church (blasphemy alert - NSFBT)

2007-11-20T10:25:00.000+01:00

* NSFBT: Not Safe For Bible Thumpers

Last Sunday was the baptising of my little niece, the girl my sister adopted from Ethiopia. This meant a visit to Church for me, which is rare.

I have not been raised religious (my father was an avowed atheist, my mother raised Catholic but no longer practising), but my brother-in-law is and my sister converted after marrying him. They are Protestant, and Protestant Church services in my country are a bit sober. It was therefore a bit of a long sit, especially because I feel very tired again lately. Too bad my brother-in-law isn't Catholic, they are much more fun - as long as you keep their Priests away from your children.

The service this time had a bit of a light touch however because it incorporated some "African" elements in honour of my little niece's African heritage. For example, it ended with an African song of blessing, including some (modest) use of a drum:

Hambani Kahle, hambani Kahle
Hambani Kahle
Hambani Kahle in Kosi mayibenani

We go in peace, we go in peace
We go in peace
We go in peace, the road along we came

It was still a far cry from a swinging black Gospel choir though. We are much too Calvinistic in this country.

Being non-religious (I am not an atheist like my father though, but an agnostic) I felt a bit weird this and the handful of other times I went to a Church. At the one hand, I have some feeling that it does add something, and certainly a marriage ceremony and a baptise ceremony like this do give things a deeper meaning. In that sense I appreciate that my sister and brother-in-law do this, which is also why I am present during these 'Rites of Passage'. I did also notice, during this baptising and previously that of my nephew, that a Church service is a moment that automatically leads to some reflection on life, and that is good.
Yet at the same time, and that spoils it for me, I don't buy the whole Jesus and God and Bible and praying thing (and usually get quickly and thoroughly annoyed by Bible thumpers and bigots. The same goes for millitant atheists by the way). I am too rational for that, too much a free thinker. I don't sign up to the notion that what was written up by a number of John Does some 2000-odd years ago (and delivered to us only fragmentary and highly edited to boot) is the unfallible word of a Supreme Being and we should all follow that line (if there is any clear line in it at all). So last Sunday in Church, I automatically also had my cynical moments.

The Preacher told a story about a colleague, who went to the market with a stand and asked people: "If you could, what one question would you like to ask God?".
In a moment of blasphemy, my thoughts immediately went: "I would like to ask Him what medication for Multiple Personality Disorder He is on, given that Three-in-One stuff etcetera...".

Coming out of Church again, there was no thunder and lightning to punish this sinner, but a mild and bright autumn sun in a blue sky. It was a lovely day.

* * *

Last Saturday I went to C.'s grave again. Due to the recent developments a very uncomfortable feeling has crept in, and I noted this gives me second thoughts about going to visit. The idea that you apparently are not considered welcome there by her family just feels very uncomfortable.
It is a shame that you have to visit the grave of a beloved one with such a feeling.

This whole realisation and feeling caused a strongly emotional moment last Saturday when I stood at her grave again. Maybe as a result of recent happenings, I have entered a renewed strong phase of grief and mourning about C. lately it seems.

In a new twist, the family has now shut down yet another avenue of mourning for her friends. Several people still regularly posted small messages on C.'s social network page: small signs that they miss her, still grief for her. The family has now posted a message on the page that they don't want this.

New sculpture finished

2007-11-15T18:17:00.000+01:00

Below some quick images of the sculpture I just finished, called "longing". It is about 15 cm tall (6"), and made in sandstone.

Wet & Sad Autumn Weather

2007-11-14T21:39:00.000+01:00

Below photograph was taken by me late yesterday afternoon, and shows the wet gray weather typical for our autumn. The picture is a stitch of 3 photographs with my Canon Ixus. It al looks very scenic, but is damned uncomfortable in reality.

(click image to enlarge)

By the time we say goodbye.....

2007-11-08T17:33:00.000+01:00

Yesterday (Wednesday the 7th) was a peculiar day. One of joy mixed with a bit of sadness and melancholy.

It was the day Alice, after 4 years of study in my country, officially got her MSc degree: hence there was a graduation ceremony, and a lunch/party with friends and family. As such, it was also a farewell party: next Tuesday the 13th, she will leave my country for good, back to the island in the Caribbean where she was born.

She looked marvelous yesterday, very pretty in a skirted suit, her hair done and with a new colour in it, and her make-up professionally done. As we didn't have a good picture of us together (because I always carried the camera when we were together), we took the opportunity to have our picture taken by another guest.

This was also the very first time that I met family of Alice. Her mother had flown in from the island. She was a very small, round and a bit shy woman (although that could have been a language problem - she is not used to speaking our language). Alice's father couldn't come due to his medical condition, sadly enough.

Alice and I have stayed on very close friendly terms after our relationship ended. In fact, in some ways our contacts became deeper than when we were BF and GF. We frequently provide each other with friendly advise, help and insight. I also highly appreciated the way she supported me last summer after C.'s suicide. She is an insightful, smart and honest girl, on whom you can count. She is a good friend in the real sense of the word

During the last months of her graduation process, I helped her out by checking her thesis for grammar and spelling. We also had contact when she was stressing out about things, and in the final weeks I helped her with some things connected to her her departure.

So it was a bit weird yesterday. On the one hand, I felt very happy for her, she really deserves the MSc degree she now has, she worked hard for it to earn it, and it will enable her to further her work on her island (work which is quite significant for the community there) and do the things that have her interest. It is also very good for her person to return home, as she clearly was isolated and lonely here. It will do her good to return to her family, friends, and the culture she was raised in. It will make her happy.

On the other hand, it means she now is really gone, and while e-mail and MSN will enable continued contact, I will not see her unless I fork out a lot of money for a transoceanic airline ticket. Which, if I succeed in the attempt to take up a normal life with an academic job again in the near future, I'll certainly do.

The realisation that she will be gone for real now, made me sad and melancholic. Another cherished friend gone.

The past week I had spent quite some time looking for a present. It was meant to be both a present for her graduation as well as a farewell present, so I wanted something that expressed my appreciation for her. She had asked for something "small and lightweight" as she already had too much luggage, so I naturally turned to a jewellery item. Initially, I looked for a small turtle pendant, as the "turtle" always was her personal symbol (as well as the symbol of her island). But you get it: while I saw pendants of porpoises, sea-horses, and God knows what else, nowhere I could find a turtle....! I did find one turtle brooch, but it was awful with a much too high bling-bling factor.

So after walking the town in vain for several days, I decided to change to a bit more traditional subject: a small heart-shaped pendant. Thundy's advise to look at the weekly market was a very good one, as I found a fine small 14-karat pendant for a reasonable (and for me affordable) price there:

It expresses that Alice is still having a warm place in my heart, even though we are no longer BF-GF.

It is a very strange feeling that now the moment has come that she is really leaving. The realisation really does something to me.

At the end of the party, Alice and me hugged each other and kissed goodbye (even though I probably will be at the airport next Tuesday to wave her goodbye). Going home afterwards, I felt sad and melancholic. Goodbye, Alice....

* Cue in Vera Lynn... *

Moody

2007-11-02T12:55:00.000+01:00

It's all a bit lonely again here. The worst emotion after falling out with C.'s mother the previous week has been left behind me now. I spent the two days following the incident writing down my thoughts and anger and sending them to my psychologist. It helped me getting the chaos in my mind a bit straight again. It does not take away the pain though.

My psychologist and I should have had a session today, but her secretary called me this morning to tell she is ill. That's a bit untimely, as I really need to talk over what I wrote down with her.

On Saturday evening last week, I had my Friday-evening-friends over at my place and that was very good and cheered me up a bit. I cooked a large Indonesian fried rice meal for them (a vegetarian version, as the Museum Curator is vegetarian) that came out very well, there was a lot of friendly banter, and we did a board game. That evening did me well.

I am very tired, which is partly because over the past month I have had nightmares almost every night. Earlier this month most of these I feel connected to what happened at my former employer: it was probably the stress regarding the research proposal hearing (and a sign the PTSD is still there). My current nightmares are very chaotic, but elements of it can be placed. It is about things being taken away from me, and wrong places being assigned to me.

Autumn sun

2007-11-01T22:42:00.000+01:00

Earlier this week we had a few days with sun. I shot the image below (actually it is two images stitched together) in one of the town parks Tuesday afternoon. I was taking a walk and was struck by the play of light and shadow among the trees.

(click image to enlarge)

The other panoramic image below was shot 2 weeks ago and is made up of 7 images. It shows one of the My Town town gates (the other is here), built in 1669 AD.

(click image to enlarge)

EMOTIONAL SHOUT-OUT (or: why today was totally crap)

2007-10-24T14:18:00.000+02:00

This is one fucking crap day.

An emotional bomb has exploded between C's mother and me. Following an e-mail by me yesterday, I got two mails from her this morning, the last one of which was in ALL CAPS.

Yesterday I reacted on her decision to not allow me to leave my small 8 cm sculpture on C's grave. I told her I regretted that, but would abide by her decision. I also reacted to one of the things she said, that had hurt me. It was that negative remark about "my share in things" (see yesterday's post).

I asked her whether she was really in the knowledge about "my share" in C's live: where she based that on, and whether the main difference between C's ex J. and me wasn't just that C. introduced J. to the family, but did not with me, and hence I was less known to them. And described how things between C. and me had been, what we shared. Frankly, I was very upset that she implied that C. and I never meant something for each other.

I know I probably shouldn't have reacted like this, but I just couldn't ignore this and leave it. The frustration with C's family shutting out a role for everybody in C's life not vetted and approved by them personally, with disregard of C's own choices in this, played a major role here. The reader will remember that C's family at a point complained that "too many people visit her grave". They seem to have a very exclusive view of who may partake in grief and not. And this is definitely not normal.

This morning I received an e-mail in answer. It was very nasty. In it C's mother claimed she knew all about me. That she had kept it secret because C. wanted that, and she blamed me for bringing it out in the open. Wouldn't you know better, you would almost get the idea from the content of this mail that I had abused C. or something like that.

Next I got a second mail. This one was even worse. It was written in ALL CAPITOLS, adding very negative views and exclamations to the content of my e-mail of the day before. Again, it seemed to imply that I had played some sort of negative role in C's live. The content of this mail suggested someone over the top with emotions and completely flipping.

By that time I had reached a similar state. This was all very upsetting.

If C's mother really knew all details about the history of C. and me, I cannot understand at all why their approach to it is so negative. That has not been C's approach to me, never.
Bizarrely they claim to follow C's views and wishes in their attitude towards me, but in my opinion they are just completely oblivious to what C. really thought of me and just follow their own, negative ideas. Apparently, their 21 year old daughter having a love affair with someone 16 years older than her and finding some of the trust and comfort in this person she was longing for, is something they feel she and they, and me, need to be ashamed of. I am the dark family secret apparently, the proverbial skeleton in C's cupboard. At least their way of handling this all suggests that.

I know I am not always that subtle, can be stubborn and a touch obsessive. I tend to address rather directly, to speak out plainly. In that sense, I have a share in the shit that is now happening. Yet I also feel that the way her family behaves in no way is sane and normal, even if one takes into account the shock factor of their daughter's death. You just don't treat someone who loved and supported your deceased daughter and was loved and cherished by that daughter for that to the extend of how it was between C. and me, the way they treat me. I realize they are a family in extreme grief and that these are very difficult and disbalancing times: but with the way they are handling and totally disregarding C.'s close friends and suporters, they are decidedly very weird too.

C.'s family again

2007-10-22T15:59:00.000+02:00

A month ago I posted the lengthy story of contacts with C's mother late August/early September. Following our last contact early September, I didn't hear of her again regarding whether they would allow me to place my small sculpture on her grave.

So today I finally sent an e-mail to her. A response came within an hour: they do not allow me to put my small sculpture on the grave.

Regarding the fact that they have allowed C's other ex-boyfriend (the "officially vetted one" it seems, even though he dropped her before her death) to place something on the grave , she wrote: "You cannot compare that with your share in things" (in my mail, I had noted matter of fact: "I have seen you meanwhile have allowed J. to place something on the grave").

Grave Contemplations

2007-10-20T17:04:00.000+02:00

It was very quiet at the cemetary when I visited C.'s grave late this Saturday afternoon. The sun was already low in the west, the sky was blue with white dotty clouds, the light was turning yellow, and there was no wind. With a mere 11 degrees C and the rustling of falling leaves, it was a beautiful autumn afternoon.

After I put my white rose with poem on her grave, I sat down. Due to all work for the research proposal, I hadn't been visiting C.'s grave for some 3 weeks. A very long time, too long...

I have been strongly missing C. these weeks. Had she still been alive, the past month would have been a time where we would have shared a lot. Likely, she would have been the first I would have called after the committee hearing. It was strange, not sharing these hinge-moments in my life with her. She kept popping up in my mind. I kept thinking: "this I would have wanted to share with you...". It made me feel lonely.